


Winter of Our Youth

by verychillarrie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Band is on break for three years now, Canon Compliant, Dialogue, Drunk Sex, Fights, Flashbacks, Fluff, Future Fic, Gary is a good guy, Harry's out, Homophobia, I just really love Harry, I really like angst, Jealousy, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Louis has issues with his sexuality, M/M, Multi, Niall is getting married, Sadness, Sassy Louis, Smut, Weddings, no anticipations about finale, very much dialogue, what new, you'll see - Freeform, you'll see this too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-08-15 02:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8039077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verychillarrie/pseuds/verychillarrie
Summary: The break is on for three years now. The guys have different lives, but they still love eachother. Niall decides to get married in Ireland, he wants his bandmates to be his bestmen. They have to go to Ireland with their girlfriends, except for Harry. He will come with his boyfriend Gary. Harry came out the first year of break, you'll see how. I have the Zayn question in my heart, so I'll try to solve it. Freddie is here too, because of the canon needs, but I just mention him a bounce of times. Harry and Louis don't talk anymore, but you know this two idiots more than me. It's gonna be a crazy ride!





	1. "Somebody that I used to know"

**Author's Note:**

> Hi lovely people! I'm very glad to be here, this is my very first fanfic. Please, be nice!  
> Like you will surely see, English is not my first language so I want to apologize in advance for any grammar or form errors.  
> I'm studying hard, but still I'm not mother tongue.  
> The title is ispired by one of my new favourite songs from Wild World by Bastille.  
> Thanks for the attention! All the love.  
> G.

Louis was waiting for Danielle to get in the car, they were gonna be late. His mum had pointed that delay wouldn't be accepted, so he picked up the phone to send her a reassuring text. However, instead of that, there was a call in entrance from Niall.

< Hello there sweetie! >

< Tommo! You answered, oh God. You never answer. >

< I know, the phone was in my hands. What's up? Were you unprepared to my voice? >

< haha yeah, kinda. Listen, I've something to say to you, but I'm really sure you're gonna swear and say that I'm crazy and all that stuff. >

< For fuck's sake Niall, what have you done? Are you getting married? > Louis laughed.

< Actually, y-yes. >

< Sorry? >

< Yeah, I suck at this kind of things god. But yes, I'm getting married in like, two months. I'm aware and conscious of what I'm doing, I swear. I really want to do that. >

< I c-can't.. I mean, sorry.. how.. who? >

< She-she's an Irish girl, I met her months ago. Sorry for not having mentioned her in our last call, I was really embarrassed and.. stuff. Her name is Caroline. >

< I mean, ok. Don't worry mate, but is she like, old? Like Cheryl I mean. >

< Oh, no. She's 24. We've been together for 10 months now, we want to get married on our anniversary date. 31 of July, in Ireland. >

< Too much information to process, I guess. But I'm really happy for you, Nialler! Even if the aliens were more likely then your marriage, I'm sure she's a lovely girl. >

< She is, indeed. Ehy, thanks Tommo. I called for something else actually. I want you and the guys to be my groomsmen. You can only say yes. >

< OH MY F- Niaall! Why are you doing this to me? God, ok, I guess. This will be an honor or whatever I have to say in this situation. >

< ahahah there you go, Tommo! I was afraid you would hang up. >

< I'm a grown up man now. >

< I called Zayn too. >

< I begin to hate this call. >

< Please, don't be angry. I feel like I need him too. >

< Yeah, I guess. I can see your reasons, so much time passed by. I want to meet him again. >

< COOOL! You're awesome Louis! That's why I have to ask you another favor. >

< The answer is no. >

< ahah I invite you and the guys, with the girls too, for a nice irish weekend here next week. I want you to meet Caroline and her to meet you too. She's really happy about that! >

< Yes, this sounds logical. I guess we can manage to be there, thank you. Danielle will be happy. >

< You can bring Freddie too, you know. >

< This is his mum's month, but thanks Niall. I appreciate that. >

< Ok, this was so much fun! I'm looking forward to see you, mate! >

< Me too, little bastard! You caught me off guard! Really happy for you. >

< Thanks, thanks. So I've said pretty much all, I'll see you next week. Liam will be there with Cheryl, Zayn with Gigi, Harry with Gary and you with Dan- >

< Wait, what? >

< What what? Yeah, Gigi is going to be there, Zayn sai- >

< Not that part. Who the hell is Gary? >

< Oh, that part. Gary is-, he is Hazza's boyfriend. >

< … >

< Tommo? >

< Since when? >

< One year. >

< Fuck. >

< Tommo? >

< … >

< Ehy, mate. Sorry but I wanted you to be prepared. >

< Mh. >

< I've never seen him, don't know if it's something serious you know. >

< I guess not, he's just fucking taking him to your wedding. >

< … >

< Ok, so, whatever. See you in a week Niall. >

< O-ok. I'm sorry. >

< No need. Bye. >

Danielle made her entrance in the car in that exact moment, Louis forced himself to smile and started to tell her the story.

*****

Later, they were all around the table with his family and Louis could feel relieved. At least that wouldn't have been the end of the world, the fact that Harry had a boyfriend was very obvious at this point, wasn't it? Jay interrupted his thought with a very loud question: < So guys, what's new? Why were you late? >

< You never forget mum, mh? >

< You know my powers. So? Danielle dear? >

< Actually, yes. There's something, but Louis has to be the one to tell you. >

< Are you pregnant? > asked Fiz with a worried look.

< Shut up Fiz, no. It's just Niall getting married you know, with some Caroline girl. We have to pack for Ireland in two weeks. > said Louis, already annoyed.

< WHAT THE HELL >

< Watch your language Lottie! >

< Sorry mommie, I mean, MARRIED? >

< That was my exact reaction, guess why we are related. > Louis laughed.

< I'm really happy, Louis and the other guys will be the groomsmen! > added Danielle.

< Oh, Louie! It's terrific! Aren't you excited? >

< Sure mum, I'm shaking right here. >

< Stop being grumpy! I'm sure that will be a great party. >

< You'll see, because all the house is invited! Happy girls? >

< WHY DO YOU SAY THIS NOWWW OH MY GOD YEEES >

While all the girls were already talking about their dresses with Danielle, Jay turned to Louis quickly with a strange expression: < Harry will be there? >

< 'course. >

< Alone? >

< Why have I been cursed with such a mum! >

< Louis? >

< Alright, no. He's coming with his brand new one year together boyfriend Gary. >

< …a boyfriend? >

< Yes, he's out now, he can do whatever he wants. >

< What's your plan? >

< No plan. Just avoiding fights, being happy, drinking and dancing with Lima. >

< Thank God I'll be there. >

< Mum, please. >

< I miss Hazza a lot everyday. I guess for you is just the same. >

< I'm looking forward to meet this Gary guy, so.. no. >

< Ok, Lou, ok. >

< There's no need to be so melodramatic, we're adults. Plus, I'm really curious of his life now that he can do everything as the openly gay man he always wanted to be. >

< Yeah, Lou. I'm sure you're full of all the best feelings only. > said Jay, closing the conversation.

Yeah, well he was in fact. Of course Harry deserved to be happy, this was the only thing Louis was certain about. Moreover, Harry had always been blessed with a good looking face, so was really surprising just the fact that he was not asked for marriage every hour of every day, just saying. This “boyfriend” thing didn't need to become necessarily a drama, Louis could manage to pass through it without being killed or worse. This was the right occasion to fix all his mistakes at once: talk with Zayn, maybe punch him right in the face not too hard, clarify everything with Harry, maybe trying to recreate a friendship or at least a relationship of a kind, and tell him how stupid he had felt in all this years for not being able to say sorry.

< I'm sure Gary is really hot, I mean like, a properly fit boy. > Danielle interrupted his thoughts with this sentence.

< Sure! - this was Fizzy - Harry is beautiful and he always had good taste for boys. This Gary would be a tall blonde guy with long hair and a terrific smile.. >

< You're dreaming YOUR ideal guy, Fiz. Certainly this is not Harry's type.. > said Louis, not being capable to stop himself.

< And what's his type then? >

< Short, grumpy and with really big eyes, like a kitten, innit? > said Lottie, raising an eyebrow looking straight in Louis' direction. Everybody was looking at him now, he was sweating and hating his sister so bad.

< This seems more harry-ish, y-yes. But, who the hell am I to know? It's homework time I think, girls! >

< It's summer, Louis. >

< Fuck that. > said him, running out of the dining room.

*****

Later that night Danielle was taking her clothes off, wearing a pajama instead. Her long brown hairs were floating all around, she looked comfy and beautiful. Louis was contemplating her image, wondering how bad was his sensation of emptiness, nonetheless he had so much to be grateful to. He always felt like that, like a part of him was always off of the focus, like he was trying so hard to know himself but some boundaries were right between his research and his happiness. Though he was a joyful guy once, there was a time when he had all in his hands: he could tell exactly when that moment was, but then would have been necessary to throw up, so.. whatever.

< You look stunning, love. > he said instead to his girlfriend, burying down all his thoughts.

< You're too nice, baby. Thanks. >

< I mean, you always look marvelous. I'm a lucky guy. >

< I know what you meant, thanks again. > She kissed his shoulder, before sitting on their bed and rising the sheets.

< Gonna sleep? >

< In a moment, I don't feel too tired. Think it's that damn coffee my mum prepared today, it really can keep all the planet awake. >

< You sure? Are you worried about something? You know, you can talk to me. >

< ‘s all well, babe. Just a bit nervous, still processing all the news. >

< Are you angry with Niall for not telling it to you immediately? >

< Dunno. Not really angry, maybe a bit sad. >

< That was not easy for him, try to give him the chance to excuse himself. >

< You're right probably, it's difficult, sometimes I feel cut off. >

< You're not, you're the only one who's still getting in touch with all of them, always well informed. You're a good friend, Louis. >

< I hope. Don't want to keep you awake with my bullshit, sorry. >

< Stop. Just talk. >

< 'key. I felt good the first time Niall talked about Zayn coming, but now.. I'm afraid. And if in the end I couldn't be able to forgive him? What if I'm still mad at him? >

< I think now it's his turn to be kind with you, to say sorry. I hope he knows how bad you felt when he left, hope now he understand. If not, well, maybe he doesn't deserve forgiveness. >

< Thanks, I actually feel better. > She smiled at him, then took an huge breath.

< What about Harry? >

Louis froze in his place.

< W-what do you mean? >

< Don't know. Are you nervous to see him again after all this time? You two used to be friends. >

< Y-yeah, I mean, I'm not worried if you're implying so. Just curious. >

< Yes, yes. Curious, that's what I meant. >

< In that case, yes. I want to meet this guy, it's still strange to me that Harry has a real relationship with someone. I keep remembering him as a child who needed to be taught about everything... >

< You were his big brother, I get it. >

< Y-yeah, something like that. >

< I'm sure he's doing fine, Lou. He's certainly looking forward to see you. >

< Yes, yes sure. >

*****

**December 2013**

_< Could you please close that fucking window?  > said Louis, throwing a pillow in Harry's direction. _

_< Are you feeling cold, baby?  > answered Harry, smiling to him. _

_< Stop calling me like that. I'm serious, it's getting annoying.  > _

_< Are you annoyed by me, baby?  > Harry never interrupted the eye contact. Louis stood up from the couch instantly, two seconds after he was under Harry's chin, facing him. _

_< What? Do you want to fight or are you just bored?  > _

_< Yeah, we can definitely fight. Yes yes, let's fucking fight!  > murmured Harry, staring at him. _

_< What the hell?! What's happening?  > _

_< Nothing's happening. Or maybe, maybe yes.. something is happening. Yeah, I want to go out for dinner, YEAH, this is happening.  > _

_Louis breathed heavily, reaching Harry's arms and pulling him away._

_< Oh no, please! Please no, stop. I don't want to have this conversation again.  > _

_< So are you just going away?  > _

_< What do you want me to say? Ok, go! Call one of your fucking friends and go out with them!  > _

_< I DON'T WANT TO CALL ANYONE!  > yelled Harry, giving the pull back to Louis. _

_< We can't go out together, you know it.  > _

_< Why? Why why why Louis why? I'm sorry I'm stupid, you've to explain it again!  > _

_< Fuck Harry, we can't fight for the same things everyday! We can order something, you want chinese or italian?  > tried Louis, attempting a weak smile. _

_< I WANT TO GO OUT! Fuck YOU Louis! I'm eighteen years old, I'm richer than every person I know and I have to stay trapped in my house every fucking day of my life!  > _

_< You don't! You can go out anytime, you seem to need a night with your friends, so please go!  > _

_< I need to go out with you. We need a drink in Soho, then we need to dance and get drunk. And we fucking need to kiss in the middle of the club and that's all.  > _

_Louis stared at him, unimpressed, cursing himself for letting this happen. < So now you want us to be that gay couple you keep imagining in your head again? It's frankly getting a bit boring Haz. > _

_He knew those words were too strong and neither true, but he told them just to finish the conversation._

_Harry was gazing at him, looking betrayed and offended, a tear hiding in his green eyes. < This is what you think. At least thanks for saying it. > _

_< You know what I mean.  > _

_< You mean that you think that I'm an idiot.  > _

_< No. You're just overreacting. I'm just trying to re-size the situation.  > _

_< So, let's do it. What the hell is this for you then?  > said Harry, pointing to himself and then to Louis frantically. _

_< Listen, I don't wa- _

_< TELL ME LOUIS!  > _

_< Ok, damn! Stop yelling like a child! Look, I care about you, you're my best friend, of cour- _

_< YOUR BEST FRIEND? WHAT THE HELL LOUIS WE LIVE TOGETHER WE FUCK ALMOST EVERY NIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  > _

_< Yeah, I mean, of course we have a special relationship but, I m- _

_< But I'm not a girl.  > _

_< I figured we agreed about what we wanted. I mean, I like being with you but.. let's be serious Harry, we are not gay. We want to marry a girl someday, don't we?  > _

_Harry looked miserable, he was openly crying now. Louis' throat felt suddenly dry. Then he turned his shoulder to Louis, grabbing his jacket and going directly to the door._

_< Harry, c'mon..  > Louis followed him to the door, the younger opened it strongly, cleaning his tears with the jacket. _

_< Harry, hey..  > continued Louis. Harry closed the door behind him, letting Louis alone in the house. The older one stared at it for five minutes, increasingly less sure he would come back. Then he returned to the couch, slowly turning on the tv, not a rumor in the house. _

_Two hours later, Louis was certain that he hadn't blinked since Harry had left, watching and swallowing all the programs without understanding a word. Harry would come back, obviously. The only thing bothering Louis was that he didn't say when. And Louis wanted to know, just to decide whether to wait or to go to sleep. At least, he decided to wait. Inside he knew he had fucked up, but convincing himself that Harry was not so angry like he seemed before was easier. One hour later he called Zayn._

_< L-louis? It's you?  > answered his friend, with a sleepy voice. _

_< Heeey buddy! How's it going? What are you up to?  > _

_< Sleep? It's 2 A.M Louis.  > _

_< Oh ehw! Already sleeping, you're getting old.  > _

_< Sure. Wh-what are you doing? Where's Harry?  > _

_< Oh well, I was just watching this program on the telly: it's about a dog which lost his family and then he tried so hard to reach the- _

_< Where's Harry, Louis?  > _

_< How rude. You could just say that you were not interested in the dog's story... Anyway don't know exactly where Harry is, he's out having fun with his friends.  > _

_< Did you fight?  > _

_< W-why we would had to fight for Harry to go out? I honestly don't understand your ques- _

_< Did you?  > _

_< Maybe.  > _

_< What does “maybe” mean?  > _

_<_ _It means.. yeah, we fought. > _

_< Finally! About what? Was a bad thing? How much angry is he?  > _

_< Oh noo! Nothing bad. Just, you know, about the meaning of our relationship..  > _

_< Fuck. What did you say Louis?  > _

_< Nothing! Just that maybe we are some kind of friends with benefits and th- _

_< FUCK LOUIS, why did you say that? You don't even think that!  > _

_< Yeah, but he was so serious, I-I had to say something.. He wanted to go out for dinner, and then I said no we can't, he got pissed and started yelling at me that I don't care about our love story.. I was just saying that he was exaggerating the whole thing an- _

_< What thing?  >_

_ < The thing between us, you kn- _

_< He's not exaggerating anything. You two are together, aren't you?  >_

_ < Yeah but- _

_< This means he's your boyfriend and you're his, Louis. This is what a love story is.  > _

_< But I've a girlfriend.  > _

_< Sure, but I'm not interviewing you, chill kid.  > _

_< I like Eleanor, I really do.  > _

_< More than Harry?  >_

_ < … > _

_< Louis.  > _

_< Fine! No, but- _

_< But what? Sooner or later you have to face the reality, and the reality is that you are in a sort of love relationship whit him. He's in love with you, Lou, you know that.  > _

_< You think?  > _

_< I'm sure.  > _

_< Mh.  > _

_< And you?  > _

_< What?  > _

_< Are you in love with him?  > _

_< I .. definitely care about him  > _

_< Why can't you say that? I know you are.  > _

_< But, when did this situation become so intricate and painful? We were having fun a moment ago.. >_

_ < That was not a moment, but three fucking years, Louis, don't know if you're aware of that. > _

_< …  > _

_<_ _Listen, he's with you since the beginning, except for some meaningless girls, he had only you in his life. He loves you very much, you're the only thing completely true in his life. And he's in yours, even if it's difficult for you to admit it. Harry sacrificed everything for you, to wait patiently for you to realize. It's normal if he's tired now. > _

_< You think he hates me now?  > _

_< How could he?  > _

_<_ _I've said some really bad shit. > _

_< Perhaps you really don't understand how love works, Louis.  >_

_ < I honestly don't know what to do. > _

_< Call him. If I know Harry, he's staring at his phone right now.  > _

_< And what should I say?  > _

_< “Come back home” would be a great start.  > _

_< ..ok.  > _

_< Ok. Now I'll go to sleep. Cool story bro.  > _

_< What story?  > _

_< The dog's one.  > _

_< Yeah, it's amazing.  > _

_< Love ya, goodnight.  > _

_< Thanks Zayn, sorry.  > _

_After Zayn hung up, Louis stared at his phone for two minutes, without making a move. Then he decided that eventually every esitation was stupid, Harry was.. Harry, so he called him._

_First ring, second ring, third ring._

_Answer c'mon._

_Fourth ring, fifth ring._

_C'mon Harry, pick this fucking call._

_Sixth ring, seventh ring._

_I can't believe you're not answering._

_< Ww-what?  > Harry's voice was a mix of his drunk tone and his very sad one. _

_< THE FUCK HARRY, WHY YOU ANSWERED THIS LATE I WAS DYING  > shouted Louis, getting out all the tension. _

_< I don't even know why I answered.  > _

_< Harry.  > _

_< Louis.  > _

_< I think you had your fun for tonight.  > _

_< What are you implying?  > _

_< I mean, i-isn't over yet? Who is with you?  > _

_< Louis.  > _

_< I'm sure is Grimmy, isn't him? Or are you with Matty?  > _

_< Louis.  > _

_< Ok, ok. Come home.  > _

_< Why.  > _

_< Because.  > _

_< Louis.  > _

_< Please..  > _

_< Why.  > _

_< I-I want y-you to come home.  > _

_< Why? Do you need your best friend to play FIFA with?  > _

_< Fine. I'm sorry. Is this what you want?  > _

_< I want to know why I have to come back home.  > _

_< …  > _

_< …  > _

_< I can't sleep without you.  > _

_< Ok.  > _

_Fifteen minutes later, Harry was home._ _Louis was staring at the door when he entered, the same jacket on the same arm, like he came out literally two minutes before. Before thinking about what he was doing, Louis was kissing him. Harry responded immediately, letting the jacket fall down and hugging Louis tight. Between the kisses, Louis was murmuring an infinite series of “sorry”. Harry was smiling and crying at the same time, leading him to the couch._

_< I.. don't want to fight anymore. Like ever. Never again.  > _

_< What do you want to do instead?  > _

_< Fuck  > _

_< Gross!  > laughed Harry, starting to unbutton his shirt._


	2. "Then you put your hand in mine"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis needs friends, but are they enough?  
> Liam has no chill.  
> Lottie is a badass.  
> And Harry is... Harry.
> 
> Also, what the hell is a Garry?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again Lovelies!  
> I'm so sorry for the delay and I want to thank you all so much for being so patients.  
> The biggest thank to Larryharrylou! You're so nice and I'm so happy you already love the story so much.
> 
> This chapter is perfect if you read it while listening to Glory by Bastille.  
> See you soon, enjoy!  
> All the love  
> G.

Day by day Ireland was becoming nearer, Louis knew he should worry about packing and what he had to wear to cover his body properly. But the only thing he could think about was that December night in his former house. He was being haunted by that demon everyday and he couldn't stop imagining Harry's smile when he opened the door, all the hope in his eyes and the faith he felt in Louis. He was an asshole then, but inside himself he knew he was an happy asshole. More than he could manage to be in the last three years, not even lying. What a selfish prick he was, using people for two seconds of happiness. He kept feeling like shit everyday, not without Danielle noticing it. But thankfully, she didn't ask.

In a sunny afternoon, Louis felt the need of some “men's activities”, so called Oli and Cal for entertain himself. They came with a football and some stupid funny jokes, relieving Louis' mind from killing itself. After some footie practice, they sat in the middle of the garden eating some snacks Jay provided them.

Oli interrupted the silence after a while: < So, are you happy for Niall? >

Louis almost chocked: < 'course! He said he knows what he's doing so, I'm ok with it. >

< He's crazy, man! They're so young, I mean! Fuck Niall! He could have every girl in the world! >

< I know, right? Crazy man, crazy. But, you know, this is how love feels. >

< What do you mean, Tommo? Are you planning to marry Dani? Please say it now! > joked Cal.

Louis attempted a smile: < No, chill Cal. It's just, you know, that sensation when you think you could destroy the world and then put it together again. Love is- is something like that, mh? >

< You're the love expert Tommo! You write love songs, you tell us. For me.. naah! I just want to try every girl in the world! > said Cal, rewarded by Oli with a pat on the back.

< Yeah, yeah I can see. I'm sure Niall knows what to do anyway. >

< Hope so! No one wants to see the first One Direction divorce! You'll lose all your fans for sure! > laughed Oli.

< C'mon, this isn't nice. >

< C'mon you Louis! Don't be a faggot, I'm just joking! >

< Why do you have to use that word? It's fucking 2019 Oli, are you aware of it? >

< Oh my god! Sorry milady, I swear I love every single fag in the world! What do you want me to do? Wave around a rainbow flag like that not so subtle bandmate of yours? >

< Why do you have to mention Harry every time? Okay, he's gay, so? >

< I'm really ok with him being gay, like he could be something else eventually... >

< I'm getting angry, Oli. I advert you. >

< Why? Isn't him the gayest person you know? And you Cal? For me he is. And then, I always thought that- yeah never mind.. >

< What? End your sentence. >

< Nothing, chill. >

< End it. >

< You know, we all agreed at some point – faltered Oli, reaching for Cal's help – that you know, that he was in love with you when you started with the band thing. >

Louis froze suddenly. Every part of him was shouting to hit Oli with a fist, but the only thing he did was stare at him with a vacuous expression.

< We know that was never your intention to let him misunderstand, Lou. You couldn't know, you're just a friendly person. > added Oli.

Louis wasn't talking and he was hating himself heavily for that.

< There's nothing to feel ashamed of. Your behavior has always been faultless. >

< Yeah. > at least he managed to say.

< No one ever suspected Lou! I mean, you've fucked the most beautiful girls! I'm so jealous! He never damaged your image, you can relax about that. >

< You know what they say, guys. “No one can resist to the Tommo!” > laughed Louis, in the end.

< HELL YEAH! > echoed the guys jointly.

That night Louis didn't eat anything and went to bed at 10 pm, complaining about an headache. He knew he should have defended him, Harry would have done it without hesitation for him.

 _I suppose the worst of the two keeps confirming himself, right Haz?_   thought him, before falling asleep.

***

Louis woke up with an upcoming text from Liam: “Tommo! Have you heard from Niall recently?”

Then he smiled, thinking about Liam trying to look chill, testing his knowledge first: “Payno my love, what a sneaky CIA agent you are! What part of Niall's information do you care about? The one about his wedding or am I missing something? ;)”

“THANK GOD YOU KNOW! What do ya think?”

“I'll go with the flow, I'm happy by the way. Aren't you?”

“Yeah, I think. Cheryl is killing me with questions..”

“Like WHEN WILL YOU MARRY ME LIAM PAYNE?????”

“Kinda, yeah. Harry called me this morning, he's going to be in Ireland in three days. You?”

“Same. You?”

“I think we'll delay two days, I'm sorry. Cheryl's mum isn't very well.”

“C'mon Liam, don't do this to me.”

“I'M SORRY”

“It's not enough.”

“I'M VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY SORRY”

After reassuring Liam about his eternal love for him, Louis realized he was sweating and gnashing his teeth. Three days, alone with Harry and Gary, and Zayn. FUCK LIFE.

With that realization Louis stayed silent on his couch awhile, looking straight to the white wall and wanting to punch Liam, Cheryl and her mum with the same intensity. Gary. He was going to meet him. This Gary didn't even have a face for Louis. Was just something Niall said days ago to make him even more anxious about the wedding, but he hadn't even thought clearly about him. Who was he? What was his job? When did they met? All this questions were too painful for Louis to ask them to his brain. But now, Liam had pointed that something worrying was happening and these questions needed to be answered.

He picked up his phone carefully and wrote “Harry Styles boyfriend” on the bar. What he found wasn't expected at all: a long series of his photos with Harry, when they were young and – Louis noted – not very much subtle. In all the pictures they were smiling at each other and Harry's eyes were so incredibly... NOPE. NOT THIS AGAIN thought Louis, closing the page abruptly.

He went back to the bar and wrote “Harry & Gary”, preparing himself for the worst. There were some blogs on Tumblr and some Twitter accounts, so he choose the seconds and opened one. All the pictures of them together were pretty unclear and low quality, but Louis could see they were holding hands. “Harry Styles rumored to be seen with a guy last night”, “Is Garry the ship of the year?”

GARRY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Ok, Louis calm down.

He zoomed to the best quality pic, Gary was shorter than Harry but eventually very rugged, short brown air and nothing to declare. Was he beautiful? Not so much, thought Louis. He was expecting something incredible from Harry, like an awesome model or some shitty hippie photographer. Gary's job wasn't mentioned in any font. Louis guessed that he wasn't part of the showbiz. The news were incomplete and Louis's soul was suffering, because he was starting to realize that Harry wanted to keep the relationship private, which meant that he cared a lot about it.

_“Louis..? Are you sleeping yet?”_

_“Not anymore, apparently.”_

_“Sorry. I-I just wanted to say that I agree.”_

_“About what?”_

_“About being secret boyfriends.”_

_“I mean, I never said that word but.. ok. Why have you changed your mind?”_

_“_ _I realized that I don't care about people talking about us. I just care about us.”_

_“..this is quite nice, Curly.”_

_“I don't want to change anything, no one has to know. I only want this: you and me.”_

_“I- ehm... I like this too, you know. I'm completely in peace when I'm with you.”_

_“Thanks for making me happy.”_

_“...”_

_“_ _Goodnight Boo.”_

_“Goodnight secret boyfriend.”_

_“...”_

_“...”_

_“Louis? What did you say?”_

_“Goodnight, Harry.”_

Louis woke up from this memory because of something hitting him in the face. Lottie was smiling at him behind his computer.

< I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SEARCH HIM! I KNEW IT! > yelled her.

Louis closed everything quickly, but his sister wasn't going to let him live so easily. < What? I was searching for an outfit! >

< YOU SNEAKY BASTARD! You were looking for Gary! >

< You can't prove it. Go away. >

< I've seen you with my eyes! Admit it! >

< Never. >

< He isn't that good anyway. >

< RIGHT? I mean, I was expecting something incredible! >

< AH-AH! Caught you! Loser! You've seen him! >

< Honestly, fuck you Lottie. >

She was laughing so bad to his brother's face that Louis couldn't help but join her with a resigned smile.

< C'mon! Stop, I'm your big brother, give me some respect! >

< I'm-I'm ssorry! Your face is so silly! Now I'm serious I promise. >

< I think I'll ask Niall to retire his invitation for you at the end of the day. >

< I'm sure. And who's gonna save you from Gemma's claws? >

In that moment, Louis died for a bit. Gemma was the biggest problem in the country, how could he even forget about her? She was so angry last time.

< Fuck me. >

< I know. But, don't worry big bro, I'm on your back. She better be nice with you, you aren't having the best time of your life, so none won in the end. >

< She's gonna kill me, or Gary's gonna be the best brother in law and do it for her. Or at least I can die honorably battling with Zayn. >

< You're such a drama queen, Louis. >

< You better be quiet about this. >

< About you searching Gary on the internet? >

< About me in all the ways. >

< Mum's already worried. >

< Why can't you believe me? I'm okay, I'm FINE, I'm the coolest guy on Earth. I did everything, I left him, I decided for the both of us, I was the bad guy! Me, not him. I'm not suffering, I'm not struggling because I made my decision and he was the one to bend. I'm the bad guy, Lottie, and bad guys never cry. >

< Ok, bad guy. Try to look lesser like a desperate kitty then and I'll believe you. > Two seconds and she was gone.

***

_July 2013_

_Louis closed the door of the studios behind him, waving a goodbye to the lady on the desk. Her name was Loreen and she was totally in love with Harry, which Louis could definitely understand. The trip from LA had been a mess and he was so tired he was surely going to throw up on the street. Moreover his manager had picked him up right at the airport and took him to Syco so fast that he had the impression to fly. Simon had made really clear that Louis wasn't doing the “good boyfriend” part well and had pointed, with his sweet threats, that Louis should improve himself quickly. His head was hurting because of the effort to maintain a fake smile for this long, and he was dreaming a bed. To be completely honest, Louis was dying to get home for another reason too, but he was too lofty to admit it._

_In the reality he was walking fast to his car, holding his breathe. His driver, Juan, looked at his expression curiously but stayed silent for a while. The only rumor was Louis' feet shaking nervously._

_< Happy to be home?  > started Juan, with a very well aware smile, looking at him through the mirror. _

_< Uh? Oh? Yes? Yes.  > _

_< He was really anxious for your return yesterday, I took him to the grocery store and he couldn't stop talking about today.  > added Juan, returning to look at the street. _

_Louis' heart raced and he felt it in his throat, smiled at Juan without saying anything._

_After what seemed a life, Louis could see his house's gate and his hand was suddenly on the handle yet. When he said goodbye to Juan the key was already in the patch, his hand shaking. He entered slowly, like his house was a temple and heard rumors from the kitchen._

_< ..Lou?  > said a shaky voice. _

_And Louis was running through his parlor, not letting himself acknowledge anything but Harry's voice._

_When he saw him, wearing soft trousers and one of his shirts, he couldn't help himself from sigh. Harry was smiling so bright that the moon couldn't do a better job in one of his best nights. Louis hugged him so tight that Harry could barely breathe, but he didn't seem to mind. His nose was buried in Louis' hair and he was placing little kisses on his neck._

_< I've missed you.  > he managed to say. _

_Louis didn't let him finish, kissing him roughly and raising him from the ground. He placed him on the kitchen shelf, putting his hands in the boy's curls._

_< You look so fucking beautiful Curly, what the hell honestly  > _

_Harry laughed, starting to bite Louis' ears in the very secret way he used only when he wanted to make him crazy._

_< I'm glad you like what you see. You look gnammy too.  > _

_Louis interrupted his genuine moan and opened his eyes: < Pardon, what exactly is a “gnammy”? > _

_Harry laughed on his shoulder and turned to look him in the eyes: < It's a new term I invented yesterday thinking about your very far from me and very nice bum. > _

_Louis didn't answer, putting his tongue inside Harry's mouth quickly. Harry moaned to the contact and started to pull Louis' shirt off. His breathe was heavy and his intent was already visibly showed. Louis had already forget about his tiredness and the only thing he could worry about was the bulge growing in Harry's pants._

_< Oh oh, Curly! I'm home literally from two seconds!  > _

_< What can I say? It's your fault.  > _

_< Pull off your pants then, Louis' hungry.  > _

_Harry reacted immediately, gurgling with joy. But he had to interrupt his laugh when Louis swallowed him, showing him proudly how deep he could go now._

_< LOOUIS  > shouted him, grabbing the shelf's surface hard. _

_< Aren't you proud of me?  > said Louis, trying not to choke. _

_Harry couldn't answer, he was struggling between his need to come and his desire to let Louis suck him for the rest of his life. Then he grabbed Louis' hair and pulled him nearer. Louis clutched Harry's thighs and moaned on his length._

_< L-Lou, I'm..  > _

_But Louis didn't move, looking at him with an innocent face. Harry came literally one second after and Louis swallowed proudly, lightly closing his eyes. Before die for satisfaction Harry managed to kiss Louis firmly, wrapping his body and making the boy lie down with him. They didn't talk for a while, then Harry took Louis' hand in his._

_< I know that I shouldn't say this but... I'm so gone for you, Louis.  > _

_Louis shifted his arm wrapping Harry's hips and buried his nose in the other' curls._ _< It's because I just blown you.  > and giggled. _

_< No, it's because you're nice, beautiful, kind and funny. And you've that sexy northern accent.  > _

_< Thanks. You could definitely say this instead of “loud” the other day filming.  > _

_< Nothing else to declare?  > _

_< Okay. I mean, I kinda like you too. Like.. a lot. Happy?  > _

_Harry kissed him softly on the cheek and began to trace invisible lines on his arm._

_< Louis..?  > _

_< You're the chattiest man alive after sex, you know?  > _

_< I've missed you.  > _

_< ...hey, me too.  > _

_< If something happens between us and we no longer see each other, know that I'll be somewhere in the world missing you, even if I will not be able to say it.  > _

_< Let's say this, I will not let it happen.  >_


	3. "An act of kindness"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day Harry did his coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovelies!  
> Thanks for waiting, as always.  
> This chapter is a special one, I wanted to show you Louis and Harry's golden hearts.  
> For the sound track I would recommed:  
> \- The greatest, Sia  
> \- An act of kindness, Bastille  
> \- Secret Love Song pt. 2, Little Mix
> 
> All the love,  
> G.

The day Harry came out was huge. Louis could remember perfectly every action he did since the moment Harry called him, around 7 AM. Including preaching, swearing, crying. He could feel again every inch of his heart heaving in his chest and recall every tone in Harry's soft voice while he was explaining himself. He could even taste his tears again and, as no day passed by, he could hear himself saying those words: _don't do it without me_.

_February 2017_

_Louis was sleeping, his head heavy and his breathe muggy, on the huge bed in his LA's mansion. The day before had been terrible, Niall had organized one of his dreadful parties which had lasted almost three days with the closing part taking place yesterday. Louis was so drunk he was honestly worried for his health, he couldn't stop dreaming about doctors during the night and now he could clearly hear the sound of an ambulance inside his ear. Why was it so near? Someone was dying? Was that someone himself?_

_Suddenly, the sound stopped. However instead of the sound, a soft hand combined to a voice he could barely recognize moved his body gently. Louis tried to concentrate until the voice became familiar, Lottie was calling him._

_< Lou, c'mon you have to wake up.. I know, I know.. please.  > she managed to sit him on the bed properly and helped his brother wash his face. When became sure he wasn't going to fall down, Lottie went to the kitchen to grab the coffee she made for him earlier. _

_The room was dancing around Louis, including the clock he was desperately trying to look at. He was able to focus at the numbers in the end, and read 6.55._

_< WHAT THE FUCK LOTTIE IS THIS THE TIME TO WAKE ME UP I WENT TO SLEEP TWO MINUTES AGO FUCK YOU  > yelled him, with no hesitation. _

_< Stop screaming, idiot! – Lottie was back with the cup – and drink this, we need to talk.  > _

_< What's this? Coffee? Am I a murderer? Where's my tea.  > _

_< Louis. Listen to me. Drink it.  > _

_< Fuck, drink it. As if it were easy. I hate this shit, let me sleep, what's happening?  > _

_< Are you holding all your faculties right now?  > asked her, softly. _

_< Yes yes yes what.  > _

_< Harry called you.  > _

_< Harry who  > _

_< You said you were awake!  > _

_< Styles?  > Louis's heart sobbed. _

_< Styles yes, Styles! Could I perhaps wake you up in this state for uncle Harry?  > _

_Louis realized what was happening. Harry called him. After almost six months of nothing Harry called him. On the phone. No drunk text, no stupid shit, a call._

_< When?  > _

_< I heard the sound from my bedroom, he called three times.  > _

_< Thr-FUCK! Giv-_

_Driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin Driiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin_

_The two of them turned slowly towards Louis' phone._

_< It's him.  > said Lottie. _

_Louis smoothed his fringe, even if Harry couldn't see him, then cleared his voice and answered, closing one of his eyes. Lottie went out silently._

_< Hello?  > _

_< Louis!  > _

_<_ _Oi..? > _

_< I'm sorry if I woke you. But, I-I need to talk to you.  > _

_< I'm here.  > Louis wasn't even breathing. _

_< Isn't easy to say, but I've decided. It's just.. I can't do it without adverting you.  > _

_< I'm not following you Haz- Harry.  > _

_< I want to come out.  > Five words and Louis' world was falling. _

_< I k-know it's not fair me calling you like this, and I know it's not your business since we are not together anymore. But I'm not a total prick, I wanted to tell you. You've been the very reason this thought crossed my mind the first time, I just.. I think it's your right to know.  > Harry pronounced this sentence all at once, no breathe. _

_Louis wasn't talking, he could feel hot tears falling in his mouth. Harry._

_< Okay, don't talk. I'm not stupid, I know this will affect you in some way, I know the fans will start to talk about us again – _ Harry never used the word “Larry”, not because he didn't like it, just because it looked like their relationship was fake, an invention, “us” was just real _– and I'm worried for your son and your new life. I don't want to be a problem for you, but I hope you understand I waited this long just for you. Just to avoid issues with your new family, but now that Freddie is two, I-I feel like I deserve my freedom. > Harry's voice was so soft and kind that every word was caressing Louis' tears. _

_< Please. Say something.  > _

_Louis swallowed the tears down, clearing his throat. < I understand. Go ahead, do it. > _

_< This is all you have to say?  > _

_< What do you want Harry? Me begging you to wait for me? No thanks, I don't need this and I never needed it. I'm a father and a boyfriend and I'm fine with what I am. I knew this thing between us was just hiding, ready to ruin my life one more time. So, do it. If you need your rainbow card for the magic gay world do IT.  > he screamed all his frustration in those words, even if every inch of his body was dying. _

_< You're so unfair to me.  > his words were shaking and Louis knew, he KNEW he was right. _

_< I don't think so. You asked a permission, I'm giving it to you.  > _

_< I didn't ask your permission, Louis. I called because even if you're acting like a selfish cunt, I know you care about m- about this. I know these things had always scared you, I wanted to reassure you that we can be on the same page. I don't need fucking rainbow cards, I want to be able to say that I like men and I fall in love with them, and I don't want to make one more single woman suffer or say that I'm an arrogant piece of shit which doesn't seem to like any girl in the world because they are not at his level. OKAY?  > angry Harry was so rare, Louis would be delighted in another situation. He was so right. _

_< ...and fuck you, I'm sorry if my love for you made me realize that I was gay, but even if you don't like to remember that time, for me it was the most beautiful of my life. And I'm not sorry for any single one of the “I love you”s I said to you and you never replied to. Because they were TRUE and they define me as much as my hair, my mum or my voice. So, I'm sorry Louis. I'm very very very sorry if my coming out will be your worst nightmare, but you owe me that. You owe me my freedom for loving you as desperately and completely and hardly as a twenty years old boy could do. > when he finished, Harry was openly crying. _

_Louis was crying too, closing his mouth with an hand, trying to cut down the sobbing. < Yeah Harry, you're right. Do it, do whatever you want. You've been kind to call. I support you one hundred percent- _

_< Louis, please..  > Harry was begging. _

_< I-I gotta go. Thanks for calling.  > Louis hang up and fell down on his knees. Hiding his face under the hands, between the tears and the sobs he couldn't stop saying “don't leave me..... please don't …...........leave me alone ….......don't do it without me please please....”. _

_Lottie was waiting outside, she entered quickly and hugged his brother right on the floor. They didn't say anything for a while. Louis' phone rang another time but, as Harry had changed his mind suddenly, it shouted after one ring. Louis wasn't even crying, just staring at the floor trying to find the words to reassure his sister._

_< I'm fine Lottie, sorry – grabbed his sister face – I was just, just.. Harry's going to do a coming out.  > a smile attempted on his face. _

_< Oh. I'm- you're- he's- I mean, are we sad or happy about it?  > asked her, looking worried as a little sister can be. _

_< Happy. Of course. He deserves it.  > _

_< You're crying Louis.  > _

_< It's just because he's right.  > _

_< You're crying because Harry's right?  > _

_< Yes. Basically this is the reason. Now, get up girl! We need to do some calls.  > _

_< Louis, you're not okay. Tell me.  > _

_< I need to call Liam and Niall, so get off of me, darling.  > he laughed weakly. _

_< But- _

_< No Buts!  > _

_After that moment, Louis paused his soul, he did his calls and agreed with the guys about supporting Harry in the right moment he would drop the bomb. They didn't say anything, but he could hear in the voices that they had a lot of unanswered questions. Niall pointed out something ( <..and you, Lou?>) but the request was still in the air, ignored. The irish guy was such a dreamer, he continued to believe in them even after the break-up. Continuing to say random things like “every great stuff comes back” he just obtained to bother Louis even more than Harry himself, looking like a sad puppy all the fucking time. Apparently everybody was certain that Louis was just pretending to have chosen a side. They were just making him less and less sure about his decision, as if Harry being around half naked all the time wouldn't be enough. After two years, even the most skeptical was convinced, Louis and Danielle had always been together since the break's start, Liam had stopped to ask about Harry from years. But not Niall, no sir, the irish lad was staunch and willful. “You two are going to come back together in the end, you can do whatever you want, Louis, it will happen anyway.” Louis had already punched him three or four times, nothing. _

_They decided to write the same tweet, Louis' invention: “proud of you, @Harry_Styles”. Just that, honest and simple as good friends have to be. Harry would appreciate that from them, even if Louis' stomach was still protesting._

_He was sitting in the kitchen without knowing what to do, Harry hadn't pointed when he was going to make the announcement. Louis went on their chat, the last message was from a drunk Harry on New Year's Eve: “Midnigtt an Im thinkng bout ya, WHA T A FAKIN IDIOT I lobe you”. Louis would gladly accept to die instead of confess to anybody that he had cried over that message for ten minutes straight, locked into Adele's guest bathroom. He had written the answer back, but never sent it: “youre a cute drunk Curly”. For a second, he smiled to himself. Harry was the sweetest thing he had ever experienced, he hadn't been loved like that anymore from anyone else and this was a fact. A sad fact, but still._

_He wrote something new: “We're on your back, with the guys. Do your thing! :)”_

_Harry answered instantly: “I'm so sorry for have been aggressive on our call. I was nervous, I'm always nervous when it comes to you. I'm sorry for being this weak. Thanks, you're kind friends.”_

_Louis swallowed and taped: “Stop, you're amazing. You deserve every man falling in love with you, great choice if I can talk. It just wasn't me, but you'll be happy Harry.” then he deleted everything and put the phone in his pocket._

_***_

_Two hours later and Louis hadn't managed to come back to life, Lottie was observing him leeringly and so were doing all his friends, specially Stan._

_T_ _hey were playing Play Station when Lottie screamed from the parlor: < IT'S HARRY ON TV!! > _

_None moved except from Louis who ran in the room after two seconds, followed by the confused group. Harry was wearing a black t-shirt and a bright smile, he was sitting alone in his room, Louis recognized it, interlacing his fingers nervously. The telly was transmitting it as a Breaking News._

_Harry made an huge breath, “Hi lovely people! It's Harry speaking. I feel very stupid talking to this camera, but there's something I need you to know and this was the only way to reach every single one of you who, I still don't understand why, cares about me. Some of you already know, but for the others this could be a shock. I want you to know that for me, nothing changes. I know who I am from years, I'm literally the same person I was yesterday, such as five years ago. The only difference is me being honest with you and taking my part of freedom, which I hope you understand I need now. So, the elephant in the room is.. I'm gay. Yeah, big news. Being gay, for those who may need a hand, means that I fancy men and.. only them. I'm sorry for every girl I dated in the past, I was still trying to accept myself and being in a famous boy-band didn't help. However I want to thank deeply Liam, Louis and Niall for being the best friends I could wish for, they supported me since day one and I'm still shocked for have been so lucky. I hope you understand that my identity is my sexuality too, and I want to be free to be who I am 24/24. I could need some privacy in these months, but you'll hear about me, and about us again. I hope it's clear that I'm not apologizing for who I am, which I'm very proud of, I'm just asking you to forgive me for the delay. I think it's all, thanks for listening to me and thanks to who'll understand. All the love, as always.”_

_The room was silent, the elephant flying in Harry's speech was already arrived in LA and everyone was watching it, not capable to talk. Louis' thoughts were frozen, he felt an urge to scream, and dance and jump out of the window. Harry was free, that was all: some simple words, two or four smiles and Harry was free. It looked so easy that Louis felt the need to say something about himself too. Finally his baby was free, finally everybody knew. Here, that was what he felt: pride. He was so proud of Harry's courage that he wanted to cry and laugh jointly._

_< So..  > started Stan, and Louis remembered the other people in the room. _

_< Harry was perfect.  > added Lottie, a tear hiding in his eye. _

_< I knew he was gay, you can't leave Taylor Swift if you're straight!  > laughed Oli. _

_< …did you know?  > whispered Stan, gazing Louis. _

_But Louis was already on his phone, opening Twitter to do his duty. Everyone was already celebrating and going crazy: < Harry ended the internet.. > smiled him, talking mostly to himself. _

_< Are the girls crying? I'm free, tell them!  > replied Oli. _

_< They're happy for the most..  > Louis saw Niall's tweet was already out, so hurried himself and wrote his. _ _“Incredibly proud of you, @Harry_Styles”. As soon as he sent it, realized that the sentence was a bit different from the agreed one._

_Am I fucked? He thought._

_A message from Liam: “WTF”_

_Yes, I am._

_****_

_Louis was inside his first bathroom for an hour now, Liam reproaching him like an angry father and he couldn't find a justification for his behavior._

_< I already said that I'm sorry Liam, I just.. I forgot everything in that very moment. I think we can fix this..  > _

_< How? I already sent my tweet and it's just the same as Niall's. Now it looks like you're happier than us and EVERYBODY knows what this means to the world.  > _

_< I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.  > _

_< I'm talking for you. What did Danielle say about this?  > _

_< Dunno. I'm talking to you since Harry closed his mouth, what the hell! Relax, okay, maybe I've fucked up. They can talk shit for years, I couldn't care less. We're here for Harry now.  > _

_< And Larry is here, celebrating with us.  > _

_< Well, good for them. They're good observers! What do you want me to say? They're right in the end, so why does this pisses you so much Liam?  > _

_< Because- because.. I'm- it's just for you, Louis. I thought maybe you were sad about that. If-if you're fine I'm too, you know I've always supported you and Harry and- _

_< I know. It's fine, man. Don't stress yourself! It's his moment. Let's do the good boys.  > _

_When they finally hang up, Louis found a text from Niall, saying: “Why did you invite our beloved friend Larry at the party without warning me? :P”_

_“I felt like we needed him too shithead!” Louis answered._

_“I'm always with him, you know. He's a funny guy, a bit loud but nice.”_

_“I'm punching you right in that irish face”_

_“Ouch <3” _

_***_

_Nothing from Harry, he hadn't even replied to their tweets, which was fine. He was ghosting for a bit, absolutely normal. But he could had write something to Louis at least, just to reassure him. Just to show him that he appreciated his act. Louis was avoiding every person in his house, not answering to Danielle's or his mum's calls. Lottie was reassuring everybody about his health, and he was just wondering in the rooms. The guys playing outside, aware of his moments of privacy. When his phone shined after hours, Louis was almost falling asleep. He grabbed it hastily and recognized the name “Gemmosky” on it._

_He picked up instantly. < Gem? > _

_< OH BOY! You're not ready for this call at all.  > _

_< W-what's the problem? Is Harry okay?  > _

_< Oh sure, this question has been asked enough for this lifetime. No, he's not. What do you want Louis? Are you a pervert? You like others' pain? I can't get you, genuinely.  > _

_< I-I d-don't understand.. _

_< What was that “incredibly” for? Mh? You don't have to be incredibly proud, you have to be incredibly sorry! Fuck you, you know how much he cares about your behavior, that was so unnecessary Louis. What do you want from him? What? Because he will give it to you if you ask! HE FUCKING WILL LOUIS!  > _

_< I di- I didn't want to make him sad. I am so proud of him, Gem! I really am. I didn't- Is he hurt?  > _

_< NO. This is just me being tired of you! Step off from him, stop. Go away, raise you child and stay with your girlfriend. I don't want to hear about you anymore. LEAVE HIM ALONE, you and your “incredibly proud” of my ass! He loves you so much that hurts me how much you don't deserve it. You're a fucking piece of shit and you've to stay quiet. Do your duty, be the band-mate you always asked to be. JUST GO FUCK YOUR FUCKING SELF!  > _

_Louis hang up, just because he hadn't anything to say back. She was angry, but also right about him. Louis broke Harry's heart and now he was acting like he wasn't the same person who left him months ago. And Harry had cried, so fucking much that Louis' heart couldn't tolerate it again. He was the prick, the mean person._ I deserve everything she said, but I've loved you Harry, even if I'll never tell you. I loved you proudly.

_***_

_That day lasted a lifetime. Louis was so overwhelmed about the events that he hadn't even eat anything. He couldn't believe he wasn't with Harry in that very moment, who was with him celebrating?_

_Opened their chat and wrote something: “I know I break everything I touch, but you're my exception. You became stronger and I'm proud of you.”_

_He decided that could work and sent it._

_Harry answered immediately, as always: “I don't care what the others think. I know you're a good person, you have to believe it too. Thank you.”_

_***_

_< Louis. C'mon open the door.  > His sleepy head registered the sound slowly. _

_< I'm sleeping!  > _

_< No, you're not. Open the door, Lottie is worried.  > _

_Louis was closed in his room since Harry's last text, he wasn't doing anything, he hadn't even smoked. It was just.. some time alone. Everyone deserves some time alone. It was his fucking right to have it, so fuck that fucking voice outside!_

_< I'M ALL RIGHT LOTTIE! Let me sleep!  > _

_< Don't do this child shit with me. I have a nephew, I can go on aaaall night long! Plus, it's five o'clock, definitely not sleep time.  > _

_< What are you doing here, Niall?  > _

_< Your sister called me.  > _

_< Why is Niall here, Lottie?  > _

_< Because you're acting weird and I needed someone to trust. Your friends are useful as ice in the North Pole.  > _

_< Fair enough.  > laughed Niall. _

_< I'm not we- listen, I'm okay. I'm sleepy because you woke me up too early after that monster beside you attempted to my life the night before.  > _

_< Was a great party, not my best one, but definitely a good one. Come out, Louis.  > _

_< Harry just did it.  > _

_< He's fine, Lottie. That was a joke, a good one too, he's fine.  > said Niall, between the cackles. _

_< Then open the door!  > _

_Louis snorted and opened the door, in front of him there were a worried look and a conscious one. Niall, that little shit, he was happy as on Christmas day._

_< What's that smile for?  > barked Louis to his friend. _

_< For you. Being incredibly proud of something.  > said Niall, with a smirk. _

_< Well, I'm out of my room, you can go now Neil.  > _

_< I think I'll stay for a cuppa, if it's okay for you Lottie.  > _

_They went to the kitchen, Niall was gazing Louis as a lion would do with a gazelle. The shorter boy was trying to avoid him in all the possible ways, but he knew all was useless with him._

_< Talk. C'mon, I'm tired of this game.  > said finally. _

_< I think you're still in love with Harry. This is a matter of fact for me. I just want to show you my support if you want to take him back. Which I honestly think would be easier than you believe, because he is freakin' in love with you, you know.  > _

_Louis kept looking at him without any expression. Niall was so sincere in that moment that his heart skipped a beat. He had a friend, a true friend in front of him. But that wasn't helping. His story with Harry was something that shouldn't affect the day today was. Harry was alone in his coming out and all the people who loved him had to step off from his glowing._

_< I'll say this just this time, Niall. Thank you, you're a marvelous person and I don't think I deserve you. Please, let me do this. Let me do this incredible mistake, let me go away from him. He needs it and I need it too. Can you understand this?  > _

_Niall's eyes were wet, he snuffled and hugged Louis, murmuring: < It's not right, it's fucking wrong, Lou. But I'm here for every decision you'll made. > _

_Louis responded to the hug: < I already made mine. > _

_Niall buried his face in Louis' nape: < I know. > _

_In the end Niall stayed for dinner. The other guys went out partying and he made company to Louis and Lottie with a pizza and some irish jokes. They were all in front of the tv when Liam called them, saying that Harry was going to do an interview with James Corden in thirty minutes. Louis was sweating when he saw James' face on the chair. The last thirty minutes had passed away with Niall going back and forth and Lottie preparing as much tea as a regiment could drink._

_< I mean, you two look scared.  > laughed Louis, faking peace. _

_James was saying that this was a last-minute decision and that he was proud of Harry being there, finally sure of who he was._

_< Mr and Mrs, would you please scream as loud as you can for my lovely friend HARRY STYLES!  > _

_Harry entered in the studio with a bright smile, he was wearing black jeans and a blue unbuttoned shirt, just the same color he had painted on the nails._

_< I LOVE HIM!  > screamed Lottie, Louis almost choked for how beautiful he looked. _

_< Hello James, it's a delight to be here with you.  > _

_< Harry Harry Harry! I'm so happy to see you smile today. For you guys who are living under a rock, Harry came out this morning! And honestly, this was by far the best day of my year.  > _

_< Thank you, James! And thanks to everyone who has written to show me support. You're precious to me.  > _

_< Harry! Oh my god! I feel like a proud dad. How are you feeling?  > _

_<_ _I'm.. I'm very very fine. I feel like I held back my breathe for many years and now I can finally put everything out and do a proper huge one. And you know, the feeling is great. > _

_< I bet! Let me hug you please!  > the two hugged in the general happiness. _

_< Okay, I'll try to be professional guys, but it's difficult with such a lovable petal!  >_

_Louis was tightening the couch's arm._

_< I suppose you felt not so good in this years, do you want to share some moments with us? What feels right for you, Harry.  > _

_< Oh well, yes. Sometimes it was very hard, but I wouldn't change any decision I made in those years. I know it's difficult to understand, but I managed to be very happy although I wasn't out yet.  > _

_< What was your secret?  > _

_<_ _I was in love – he laughed gently – I think. > _

_< Oh boy! Are you sure you wanna go there?  > James had a worried look. Louis' heart had stopped at the end of Harry's sentence. _

_< Not really. I was happy though.  > _

_< Think this: now you'll be able to fall in love with someone and show it to everybody, how wonderful!  > _

_< I know. This is the best feeling honestly. I know I deserve a real relationship and this was part of the reason I decided to do a public announcement. I'm tired of hiding.  > _

_< What clicked in you, when did you understand that you were gay?  > _

_< I don't know. I believe I always knew deeply. But I can recall one moment, not doing anything very special: I was looking at this boy talking with some of his friends, he wasn't doing much, just telling them a story and they were laughing loudly. His eyes were shining, because he was having everyone's attention on him and I felt the clear need to go there and kiss him.  > _

_< Did you?  > _

_< Not that day.  > _

_The audience screamed instantly, James joining them. Harry's cheek were rosy, he was looking at his fingers and biting his lips._

_< ...were that guy you?  > asked Niall, with a whisper. _

_< ...yeah. > answered Louis, just miming the word with the mouth. _

_< Fuck.  > added him, not moving his eyes from the telly._


	4. "Let's try our very best to fake it"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Ireland is here.  
> We meet Caroline for the very first time.  
> Also Zayn is here, doing his best.  
> You may like Danielle. Don't worry, it's normal!  
> Harry is finally back in Louis' world. Just as perfect as he had always been.  
> Cheers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies!  
> I'm so so so so sorry for the delay.  
> School is killing me, literally. I have no time but for study or sleep.  
> Thanks to Christmas holidays I managed to end this chapter.  
> I hope you keep loving the story!
> 
> I'm deeply sad for what happened to Jay. She was a wonderful mother, I'm with Louis with all my heart.  
> Farewell, strong woman.
> 
> You should listen to Fake It by Bastille while reading this.
> 
> ++ ATTENTION ++  
> When you see something written in Italic there are two possibilities:  
> 1) It's a flashback  
> 2) It's something Louis is thinking in that very moment  
> So, when you read "Fuck you Louis" it's not me judging him, it's him reproaching himself! I thought it was clear, but now it really is. Thanks. :)  
> All the love,  
> G.

And finally was time to leave for Ireland. Louis couldn't say how he had spent those two weeks and exactly doing what, but suddenly here it was. All the family carried him and Danielle to the airport, Lottie still mad at him for not telling her what was in his mind. But the truth was.. there was absolutely nothing in his mind. He knew as a fact that in the very first moment he would put a foot on the ground in Ireland, everything would become impossible to manage. So he was going, very well aware of his impotence. If there's a problem and you can't fix it, why on Earth you should worry? This was his brand-new philosophy, going well so long so far.

< Promise me you'll be fine. > said Jay, with concerned eyes.

< Of course I will. At least once a day, I swear. > answered Louis, ironically.

When the plane left the airport Danielle kissed him deeply, saying she was very happy to spend some time alone with him. His family could be noisy sometimes, sure. Louis smiled to her, caressing her head and taking her hand in his. Having her in life was relieving for Louis. Danielle had this ability of show her presence but leave some privacy to him at the same. He never understood how she could be able to do it. He let her fall asleep on his shoulder, humming a lullaby.

***

_April 2012_

_< Louis..?  > Harry murmured from the seat behind him. _

_They were on the plane, going to Australia for their “Up all night” tour. All had been absolutely impossible to handle and crazily fabulous since then. Louis was almost asleep on Zayn's shoulder._

_He smiled involuntary when he heard Harry's voice. < What's up Curly? > murmured him, Zayn already sleeping. _

_< Mmmh.  > whined Harry. _

_< What are you complaining about?  > asked Louis, giggling already aware. _

_< I want to sleep next to you.  > _

_< I mean, how romantic! Is that only for caste purposes?  > _

_< Not entirely.  > _

_< Do you need an hand?  > Louis' voice was a mischievous sibyl. _

_< Desperately.  > moaned Harry. _

_< Uh. Well, bad luck for you Curly. Maybe you could wake Niall and see what he thinks about it.  > _

_< Louu. C'monnn!  > _

_< Very very sorry, can't move! Look at Zayn, he's sleeping so peacefully. It'd be a b- _

_< I can't stop thinking about your dick.  > it was just a murmur, but Louis suddenly stopped to breathe. _

_< I've never saw something so beautiful and tasty. And so big... Do you remember last time? I could barely contain it in my mouth. It was so hard and full. I want to touch you- _

_Louis' pupils were all black. He was sweating and squeezing his fists. Inside his pants something was asking for Harry so bad that everything was hurting._

_< Harry, please..  > he said, fumbling. _

_< What? It's not my fault. I can't think about anything else than swallow all your cock right there. Let me begin from the point, let me lick every inch of you please Lou..let me feel it- _

_< Har-ry I'm-stop please I can't do anything-sttop-p  > still breatheless Louis. _

_< Are you going to come just hearing my voice? Let me taste that cum, please..  > _

_< Oh MY G- Harryyy  > Louis moved frantically, trying not to wake up Zayn. Desperate for some friction. _

_< Please, I would give up everything just to touch you... let me Louis, let me make you feel good, I'm good you said it... am I?  > Harry was right behind his ear, and Louis was officially dying. _

_< STTop. God, fuck shut up-p  > Louis' cheeks were so reddened he could feel the heat in the air. He moved his hand upon the bulge in his pants, the seat-belt was making everything more difficult. _

_< You'll do everything alone? You're so selfish Louis, I made you hard and now you're enjoying the party! I want to jerk you so so bad, do you miss my hand?  > Harry's finger was touching his forehead and Louis was certain to have fever. _

_< I'm-I'm- _

_< You're going to come? Come for me, come in my mouth please..  > _

_< Har-r-r-r- _

_< OH MY GOD PLEASE TAKE MY EARS BACK PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE, YOU'RE SO DISGUSTING GUYS I CAN'T EVEN- I WANT TO BACK OFF FROM THIS BAND, HOW OLD ARE YOU HARRY? FOR GOD'S SAKE !  > a voice beside Harry's seat yelled desperately, it was Liam. _

_One second of silence. Then Niall and Zayn started to laugh madly, crying with faces in their hands._

_Liam was still so furious everyone could hear his labored breathe. Harry and Louis were frozen in their position, not capable to move._

_Zayn turned to Louis and started to laugh even harder, watching his petrified face._

_< I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP BUT NOOO! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE WITH THESE TWO TEENAGE THINGS! YOU TWO HAVE A PROBLEM! YOU HAVE TO GO TO A DOCTOR! IT'S NOT NORMAL TO BE THIS HORNY EVERY FUCKING DAY !  > Liam was so funny to hear that Louis was hating himself for not being able to laugh. _

_< LIAM STOP PLEASE I'M DYING!!  > Niall was trying to keep his belly, his laughs out of control. _

_He turned to Harry suddenly: < Guys, Harry is so silly, please!! > Louis didn't even turn, his eyes stuck on his feet. _

_Zayn lowered to look at him properly: < Hey, it's okay. Don't worry, we're just joking! You've to look at Liam's face! > _

_< I'm so sorry guys, I don- _

_Harry began to talk, but the words died in his mouth._

_< It's fine, Hazza! C'mon! Give it a go! We're friends! You don't have to apologize! At least, not with me!  > continued Niall, still giggling. _

_< I WANT MY APOLOGIZE!  > yelled Liam. _

_< You got excited, don't you Payne?  > joked Zayn. _

_< Louis?  > Niall asked, pinching him with a finger. _

_< The thing is just, me and Har- _

_< We know.  > said Niall. _

_< WE DAMN KNOW.  > added Liam, Zayn still laughing. _

_< It's fine guys, really. We're not blind anyway. We know it since X Factor.  > Niall was smiling. _

_< Not the best way to talk about it though.  > admitted Zayn. _

_< We waited for you to be ready to talk.  > Niall again. _

_Louis knew he should clarify that nothing was going on between him and Harry. They were just having fun, sometimes. But the only thing he was experiencing was relief. The boys knew, they were fine with it. No more hidden places, no more secrets._

_< I'm sorry guys, this.. thing wasn't planned. We're still trying to figure it out. It's not like we didn't wanted to tell you.  > managed to say Louis, he felt Harry's eyes drilling his back. _

_< No problem at all mate, you have every right to manage the thing between the two of you. It's just that, eheh, well, you're not exactly discreet you know.  > Niall's voice was soft and comprehensive. _

_< We are on your back, figuratively of course.  > said Liam. _

_< GOD Liam! You're ruining everything!  > laughed Zayn. _

_< No more of.. this, though.  > replied him, ignoring Zayn's protest. _

_< Are you okay Hazza?  > asked Niall. Louis turned for the first time, facing Harry. His expression was unreadable, an intense glance to him. _

_< I d-don't really know what to say. I guess thanks is the best one. I'm kinda new to this actually, sometimes I get too enthusiast. I'm sorry Liam.  > Harry broke his silence. _

_< You bet you do, kid.  > replied Liam, faking indignation. _

_Niall unlocked his belt and hugged Harry tight. Then he came to Louis: < Go there, you may need to talk. We'll listen to some music, kay? Come here, Liam! > _

_Louis got up suddenly, two seconds after he was seated next to Harry. They didn't talk for a while._

_< So, they know.  > shouted Louis, the tension killing him. _

_< They do.  > Harry turned to look at him. _

_< Not a big deal, don't worry. I guess we'll just have fun a bit more easily.  > _

_< Okay.  > _

_< What's the problem?  > _

_< Are you happy they know? Or do you hate me now?  > asked Harry finally, his eyes wet. _

_< I- I don't hate you, silly. It's fine! No need to make the thing a tragedy. It's just fun!  > _

_< For me it's m- never mind.  > _

_< What?  > _

_< Nothing.  > _

_< C'mon.  > _

_< I like you, you know?  > _

_< I like you too, what does that have to do with anything?  > _

_< Okay.  > Harry didn't seem happy, but Louis couldn't understand why at all. _

_< Wanna sleep now? But don't talk or Liam will strangle us!  > laughed Louis, caressing Harry's dimples. Harry folded his head towards Louis' fingers, saying yes. Smiling, still not convinced. _

_They fell asleep: Harry's head fell on Louis' shoulder after awhile, but he didn't move. The last thing Louis heard before letting himself to sleep was Niall's voice. The other three boys were observing them from the seats ahead._

_< Louis doesn't understand. Harry's such an open book, but still he doesn't get.  > _

_< He's afraid.  > replied Liam. _

_< Of what?  > asked Niall. _

_< Everything.  > concluded Zayn. _

***

Danielle moved his head and Louis came back from his dream. Her hair smelled like violets. She was a beautiful girl indeed. Louis kissed her forehead and she smiled, eyes still closed. Louis hadn't talked about Harry with her. The only thing she knew was that Louis and him had a fight before the break, which was true. About the reason Louis had been very vague, misunderstandings. She didn't ask for more, and that was all. When they met Louis was in his worst moment. Missing Harry and blaming himself for what happened, but still defending his position with everybody, especially Harry. They were all around the world, promoting “Made in the AM”. Harry was avoiding him, but some nights.. Well, time to get off of the plane.

Predictably there were paparazzi all around, waiting for them. Louis cursed Niall for not being more discreet about their arrival. Danielle took his hand and walked secure through the exit.

< Hey love, slow down. I think Niall has to send us a car. >

< Oh, okay. Where? I hate those guys. > answered her, nervously.

The airport's security took them in a hidden room, Louis called Niall and they waited a bit, watching their phones. Louis was distracted and absent, at the first time he didn't even realized.

Zayn was right out of the room, he could see him and Gigi from the window. Louis hadn't seen him in ages. He was skinnier. Compared to him and Danielle, Zayn and Gigi looked a lot more like super stars. Their clothes were almost ridiculous. Leather pants for a flight, really? Danielle noticed them too.

< Do you think we need to wave at them? > she asked.

< Not at all. Act normal. We don't need to talk. >

< But they're looking at us. >

< Don't move Danielle, I swear. >

< Okay okay, but she's coming here Louis. >

< Oh shit. Don't talk to her. >

< She's coming how do you think I could not talk to her? >

< I DON'T KNOW for FUC-

< Hey. Hello. > Gigi had her hand in the air, looking to Danielle. She squeezed it nervously and smiled.

< Nice to meet you, I'm Gigi. > continued her, not even looking to Louis once.

< D-danielle Campbell, eheh. It's- nice to meet you too. >

< So, our boyfriends are stubborn as hell and they don't like each other, what can we do Danielle? > Danielle gained at Louis, terrified. He knew Gigi would do something like this. Something embarrassing and stupid.

< You don't need to look at him to answer me, dear. This is the way you give them the power to control us. > interrupted Gigi, still firmly concentrated on Dani.

< No it's just, you-you know what happened and-

< Yes, it happened four years ago though. >

< Yes but-

< Fine. They can fight if they like to. But we can be friends if you want. Do you? >

< Ehm, yes of course >

Louis fulminated her.

< Good. We found a car, so you can share it with us towards Niall's house. >

< Oh! Thank you. It's, I mean, it's fine for Zayn? >

< I don't care what Zayn is fine with. My car my rules. > replied her. Louis was watching Zayn through the glass. He was certainly blushing, or maybe was the glass. He snorted noisily and took Danielle's bag. Gigi understood his silent intentions and smiled.

< Looks like your boyfriend wants to come. >

***

In the car none was talking. The tension was real. Louis was sitting ahead, next to the driver. The irish landscape was nice. Everything was green, from the bottom to the top, even the sky. Niall used to say that Ireland could be a heart's place for everybody, not only for irish people.

< Niall was right about Ireland. > this was Zayn's voice. In the silence it resounded strongly.

Louis swallowed without answering. They still were on the same page after all this time. This kind of things used to happen frequently before he left. Every time Louis was thinking about something, Zayn was literally doing it. They used to laugh a lot about it.

< W-what did he say? > asked Danielle, timorously.

< Just that Ireland is like a place for the heart, something like this. >

< It's true! > replied her, with an exaggerated smile.

< In the end there is something he's right about. We have to inform him, he'll be enthusiast. > Louis spoke before he could even hear himself doing it. Zayn laughed loudly for a moment, then stopped suddenly. An awkward silence followed.

< So you're the sassy one, aren't you? > asked Gigi, directed to Louis.

< Guilty. At least I used to be. >

< What was Zayn then? >

< The mysterious one, I think. >

< I wasn't that mysterious, I was just darker than the other four. > Louis laughed softly, not turning his head.

< Liam was the smart one, yes? Niall the silly, and what was Styles? > asked her again.

< I think Harry was more difficult to define. Maybe the curly one. > answered Zayn, trying to remain cool.

< Liam wasn't even that smart anyway. It was just mean to say he was the ugliest. > added Louis.

< Love! This was mean! > intervened Danielle.

< Back then! Now he's handsome, my dear. > replied Louis, Zayn giggling.

Suddenly they stopped. In front of the car Niall holding a small girl with brunette hair. Zayn went there, hugging him tightly. Gigi followed him and they were introduced to Caroline. Danielle and Louis stayed behind, waiting for their turn. The girl seemed very nice. Her accent was silly but she had a beautiful smile. Her eyes were green and big, she had a strange grace in her movements, Niall was totally gone for her.

< Tommo! I'm so glad to see you, and you Danielle! You're always so good looking. > said the irish lad, already in Louis' arms.

The six of them chatted nicely for a bit, then Niall took them to the houses on the hill. Louis was a bit relaxed, no signs from Harry till then. Caroline and Danielle were very nice with each other and Niall had made his way to involve him and Zayn in a conversation.

< Okay guys, so there are four apartments: three here and one a little bit hidden in the woods. Liam and Harry are late, so you have the right to decide for them. > smiled Niall.

Louis wanted the isolated house so bad. But he couldn't find a reason for asking it. The real one was that he didn't want to see Harry and his boyfriend like ever, or worse HEAR them in the night. But he had to find a good one to cover it, because Niall was smarter than the expected and Louis didn't like to be caught.

< Hey love, maybe we can take one of the three here. > said Zayn. Gigi turned at him strangely. Asking silently for a reason.

< I don't like to be alone in the night, you know. I'm a city person, the nature makes me afraid. > replied him simply.

Louis looked at him. _Was he doing him a silent favor?_

Zayn glanced at him just a second, then smiled to Gigi. She didn't seemed convinced at all, but didn't spoke. Maybe he was. Louis woke up from his reflections and agreed for the house in the woods.

< Well, all settled then. When is Harry supposed to arrive? > asked Zayn to Niall.

< He had to be here one hour ago. His text says “we're late”, so I've no further information. >

< Oh. Well. Maybe they're late. Soo, is this Gary something we have to worry about, Niall? > Louis' breathe went off.

Niall stared at Zayn for a bit before answer. < I don't know. >

Both of them turned to Louis. The girls looked really confused. Niall was very concerned, while Zayn's glare was difficult to read. Louis couldn't care less about what he was thinking. If he liked to, Louis could put him too in the list of people disapproving him for leaving Harry. Zayn wasn't in the position to say anything. If leaving was some sort of olimpic discipline he would win all the medals, fuck him. Why suddenly none was believing him? _Try to look less like a desperate kitty then and I'll believe you_.

***

Danielle was doing a shower, the house was really nice. The kitchen was little and had a country style, full of every sort of green accessories. Right behind the wall there was a large bedroom, the bed was even bigger than Louis' one. Dani had made clear she wanted to make it “theirs” properly, which meant sex. Unfortunately Louis was the most turned off he had ever been in years. But he didn't want to make her sad. He left the house shouting her he was going out for a walk.

The wood was so peaceful and lovely, Louis' soul was experiencing a rare moment of rest. The sun was caressing his hair and he stopped to hear the river flowing slightly. He went down to his knees and began to play with the surface of the water, humming a song he couldn't even remember well. He hadn't seen Harry in a while. So when he appeared on the other side of the shore his heart stopped.

He was wearing a long black coat and an orange scarf. His hair were still long, but less than how Louis remembered. He was still thin and muscled, his lips rosy and slim because of the cold. Louis couldn't think about something his body wanted to see more than Harry. It was like every part of him was burning and icing at the same time, he felt the urge to cry and laugh like a crazy. Harry was so fucking beautiful.

They looked at each other for what seemed eternity.

< Louis. > murmured Harry, his gaze indecipherable.

Louis wanted to say something back, he was still on his knees, but he felt like his voice was dead inside him. _Say something Louis, please do a favor to yourself_. He opened his mouth, not even a sigh came out. Harry's eyes were trembling, he could see it. What in the world could be the first word Louis should say to Harry after all this time?

< Looove! > the voice came from the woods.

Harry didn't stop to look at him and neither answered. Someone came out from the trees, hugging Harry from behind and kissing him on the neck.

< Here you are! I was af-

Then suddenly the person who should be Gary noticed Louis on the other side, staring at them like some sort of maniac.

< Fuck. > he added, Louis still frozen in that stupid position. The quiet he was searching for just a memory by then.

They remained silent for too much time not to be awkward. Gary was the same as he looked in the photo. He had blue eyes though, not brown as Louis believed. He was definitely shorter than Harry, but not that much. He had a hoodie on and some sneakers. Very informal. Still Louis hadn't say anything.

< I- I was doing a walk. > at least he managed to show this incredible essay of English literature.

< Y-yes the woodland is very likely for- walks. > replied Gary, still holding Harry.

< Louis. I'm Louis, I mean, yeah Louis. > he finally stood up like a proper human being. With all that tension and the river dividing them, all seemed very tragic and funny to watch.

< I'm Gary. It's a pl- well, I'm glad to see you in person. > replied Gary, parting himself from Harry's back.

< I would squeeze your hand but-

< I know, the river. > said Louis.

< We were playing hide and seek. Harry heard the water's rumor and we came to see if there was actually a river. >

< Well, here it is. > Louis accompanied the exclamation with a gesture, pointing the water.

< Yeah. Nice river. >

Louis couldn't stop to stare at Harry. Even if he knew it wasn't appropriate. Gary seemed to think the same, looking at his upset expression.

< Well. > said Louis.

< Well. > said Gary.

< It was- yeah, I'll see you at Niall's. > he turned his shoulder hardly and went straight inside the undergrowth.

Louis walked without thinking for ten minutes, trying to keep his breathe to normality. That was the most horrible thing happened to him in a while. He wanted to punch Gary on the face so hard his hand was still shaking. _Calm down Louis_. He was so turned on. He entered in the house already unbuttoning his jeans. Danielle seemed happy about it. She lied on him after sex, caressing his stomach.

< I saw Harry earlier. > he couldn't shut himself up. He had to tell someone.

< Oh! Where? > she looked genuinely interested.

< In the woods. He was with his boyfriend. >

< Is he nice? What did he say? >

< Nothing. He likes rivers. >

< Oh, well it's a good thing. >

< Yeah, I think so. >

< Was Harry happy to see you? >

< I can't tell. >

< Is the boyfriend cute? >

< No. >

< Babe, you're so mean sometimes! > laughed her.

< You think Harry is cute? >

< I mean. Yes of course. But I prefer Liam between the band-members. >

< You prefer Liam to Harry? Ha! This is new! Really? >

< Harry's weird. Liam is more like a greek beauty. > Louis looked outraged.

< A GREEK BEAUTY? My dear you have to control your eyes. I mean, of course Liam is a good looking guy but, let's not compare him to Harry. Harry is so delicate, and strong chiseled. Have you seen his eyes? I mean it's not only green. It's more like the color leaves have after rain in the summer. And he has those legs-

Danielle was looking at him strangely, she seemed both scared and shocked. Louis knew he had gone too far.

< I mean, talking as I imagine you girls like to think about guys. You know. > added, trying to save something.

< I know. But you seem to know as well. > her voice had something new.

< What? >

< Nothing. You're right. Harry's beautiful. > she stood up from the bed, going to the bathroom.

< That wasn't what I meant. > pointed out Louis.

< Really? – she came back from the bathroom – well, interesting. >

< What's interesting? >

< Dress yourself Louis, I don't want to be late. > replied her.

***

Niall's main family house looked like an old queen's dream. Covered in precious cherry wood, the living room had expensive paintings on the walls, Louis was certain one was an actual Turner or, at least, a very impressive imitation. The food had to be good because the smell was driving Louis crazy and hungry at the same time. He hadn't realized he had seen Harry yet. All felt like a drug hallucination and he preferred to take it like this.

When they entered, Zayn and Gigi were already there talking gladly with Niall and Caroline. Louis had the intention to understand if he could trust Caroline that night, he wanted to be a good friend. Not that this had something to do with his willing to avoid Harry, but yeah. Caroline eyed him, as she understood and sat next to him with a glass.

< Hello. May I? >

< Sure! You're the only person I want to talk to today. Don't tell Danielle. > replied him.

< Niall warned me about you. Said your opinion is the only one that counts. >

< Are you here to bribe me, lady? Not that easy! > she laughed sincerely.

< I'm very happy you're here, I feel cut of sometimes, Niall's famous life isn't that easy to share. >

< I know. All my relationships had been fucked up by that. >

< I wasn't sure to date him the first time, because of his fame. But then I fell in love, stupid me. >

< Hey, that fake blonde irish thing will always be mine. Understood? > Louis was already better.

< And you'll always be theirs. He loves you guys so much. He's very happy you all are here. >

< No one could miss his wedding. He's the glue. >

Harry and Gary made their entrance on that exact word. He was so fit Louis needed a moment to make a decent thing of himself. Gary was holding his hand, waving the other one to them. Louis raised an eyebrow.

< I saw you, Louis. > Caroline was smirking at him.

< It's a tic. I can't help it. Niall sure mentioned it to you. >

< Yeah, he said something. > she went there to welcome the new guests.

Harry saw him immediately, his face relaxed. Louis smiled weakly, not being capable to do anything different. Harry looked down, then turned to Caroline smiling. Louis knew he had to avoid him for the night, but Liam wasn't there and Zayn was not exactly his favorite meal. He reached for Danielle instead. When they were all sat down, Niall said a few words about how glad he was in that very moment. Harry smiled all the time, Louis could see him from his position. He noticed Harry had the same struggle as him talking to Zayn. Trying his best however. Gigi managed to involve Gary in some conversation about art, so Harry listened peacefully. Louis passed through the night glaring at Harry and trying not to be caught. Before he could be enough proud of himself, Danielle approached him:

< I want to say hello to Harry and Gary, come with me. > she was pretty self-confident.

< Not possible. >

< C'mon Louis, don't be childish. We have to. > replied her, not surprised at all.

< No need. They don't want to talk to us. Plus, we had a fight. Don't know if you're aware of it, love, but having a fight means that you don't want to hang out after. You can see it yourself, he has barely looked here. Trust me, things are cool this way. >

< What had exactly been the reason of your fight, Louis? > her voice was higher that usual, and a lot suspicious.

< I've told you, nothing that matters. > tried him.

< So? What's the problem then? I saw you laughing with Zayn earlier. Your fight with Harry can't be much worse. > insisted her.

< First of all – snorted Louis – I DIDN'T laugh with Zayn. Was just a little smile and I still hate him, thank you very much. Second-

But he couldn't end the sentence, Danielle was already dragging him to the couple. Gary saw them coming first, he rubbed Harry's elbow gently to make him turn.

< I mean – he began – how bad our boyfriends are? They hadn't introduced us yet, these pop-stars! All the same! I'm Gary. > he kissed Danielle's hand.

< I know, right? Danielle, I'm really happy to meet you. Was your travel nice? >

< We came from LA, long trip. Harry had headache all the time. Hell, I swear. But after we landed I managed to relax him. > he turned to smile at Harry. Louis changed his body weight from one leg to the other, trying not to think about the method Gary used to relax him. Then he realized that, except for his name, he hadn't heard a word from Harry since he saw him.

< Danielle, it's a pleasure to see you again, you look beautiful. > his voice was deeper but just as sweet and rough as Louis remembered it. Harry hugged Dani briefly.

< What? Have you seen yourself? You both look marvelous, we were talking about it. Mh Louis? Aren't we? Tell me something about your lovestory, guys! > Louis nodded unperceptively.

< Well we met in a gym, does this sounds bad? Yeah, it does. > Gary laughed genuinely, glaring Harry.

< You both look fit, so I'm sure it was a casual meeting. None staged it! > laughed back Dani. Louis wanted to trow up so bad.

< Actually, I was Harry's yoga teacher. This is a cliché, I know. He asked for private lessons, he was out from one year so I knew I could at least try. It went well, apparently! Do you regret something, babe? > certainly Gary was in love with Harry. Louis could tell from the way he was looking at him.

< Nothing. He's a beautiful man, he cooks nicely, he loves sports and even does yoga. What more can I ask for? > added Haz.

 _Was that for him? Was he trying to show Louis how wrong had him been for Harry? Well CONGRATULATIONS! You now have your super healthy very gay boyfriend, enjoy it and fuck you both_.

< Everyone needs a good yoga teacher. > and before he could even think about it, Louis talked.

< Thanks Louis?! > Gary was a bit confused. Harry looked at Louis properly for the first time.

< You're welcome, Gary. I think if you want to make a relationship last you have to do some yoga sometimes. It's the secret of happiness. >

< What are you talking about, love? > asked Danielle, reminding Louis of her existence.

< Well, maybe not only yoga. But if you want a story to last, you have at least to sacrifice something and do what makes the other happy sometimes. > this was Harry, a passive aggressive Harry.

< Sure. You can do it, but if one day you wake up and don't recognize yourself at the mirror anymore, maybe it's time to stop. > Louis couldn't help himself.

< Maybe in that case the problem it's you and not the person you love. > Harry hadn't even blinked.

< Are we still talking about yoga? > Gary is asking.

< Of course. But certainly I don't know shit about it. So I beg you pardon and go for a smoke. > Louis literally ran out of the building. The heart was aching in his chest.

***

Two minutes and three cigarettes after, Louis was feeling better. The cold air had woken him and he could finally think straight. They were there from twelve hours and he already wanted to die. Fuck Harry and his accusations. Fuck his green needy eyes and that reproaching tone. Fuck absolutely everything he had said in that terrible conversation. And fuck yoga too.

< You have to be kidding me. > _oh no. oh hell no_.

< What? > Louis said it just to give his brain the time to process Harry's voice.

< Don't “what” at me. What was that? > Harry seemed exasperated more than angry.

< An attempt to do a conversation with you and your friend there. Seen that you haven't even talked to me once since you arrived. > _C'mon heart, stop_.

< Looks like you keep mistaking with words. He's my BOYFRIEND, Louis. It means what it means. > Harry was gnashing his teeth.

< I'm so GLAD you have your fucking boyfriend, HARRY. I'm sure you've never been happier. I wish you all the best with your yoga and all that stupid crap! >

< I'm such a fool everytime, thinking I'll see another you. While you keep giving me this. What should I do? Wait for something which wasn't going to happen? > they were almost screaming.

< WHO ASKED YOU SOMETHING?? Have you heard me? I'm GLAD! GLAD! > Louis was indeed a fool in that very moment.

< Are you? THEN STOP doing whatever you're doing! > Harry approached suddenly.

< Me? YOU! Go back to your beautiful relationship, it's right there! > Louis pointed to Gary who was visible from the window.

< Yeah, I can see because he's talking with your fucking relationship. I don't- well, I'm done. You could do everything and you chose the worst approach as always. >

They were almost touching themselves when Harry turned his shoulder to Louis.

< I'm not the one to blame if you can't get over me. Have you seen that cheap copy of myself you got in the gym? > and that was it. _Louis said it. Fuck you Louis, you're such a coward_.

Harry froze in his place. He didn't even turn back. < You're the worst person I've ever met. > he murmured the sentence, his voice just a sibyl.

 _That was true_. The only thing Louis could think about was to stretch an hand, stop Harry and then both punch him and kiss him hard. _Now he hates you again, Louis. Well done._

***

When he and Danielle went back to their house she was unusually quiet. Louis was too much angry to bother about it or even to acknowledge it. He was just trying to think about a disease he could fake to go back to Donny as soon as possible.

< Gary said something earlier. > Danielle interrupted his plans.

< Yeah? Was it about yoga? > joked Louis, not even convinced.

< Funny. No, though. >

< Spill it then. If you must, then sleep please. >

< He said he was worried about meeting you. >

< Why on Earth? > Danielle didn't answer. Louis asked again. Nothing.

< He looks a lot like you, have you noticed? Gary. > she changed the subject.

< LIKE ME? I'm utterly offended. >

< Short, blue eyes, long eyelashes, brunette. Seriously you didn't notice? > she seemed genuine.

< I don't- mpfh, I don't usually look a lot at the guys. > he felt like a lightning from God was going to murder him soon.

< Well, you two resemble. Isn't it weird? >

< Look honey, I'm very tired. I can't follow your investigation right now. Can we talk about this tomorrow? > mumbled Louis.

They were well covered and all tangled up when Danielle murmured in his ear: < Gary also said I look a bit like Harry. >

Louis had an heart attack. But he still faked to be already asleep.


	5. "There's no room for you here"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally it's time for some group stuff.  
> We are still waiting for Liam Payne to show up, especially Louis is.  
> Zayn has something to say and Gigi as well.  
> Harry and Louis may have something to say to each other.  
> Also jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you heard "Sweet creature" from Harry? God if it isn't the larriest song of all.  
> I put "Meet me in the hallway" inside because it seemed fair.  
> I recommend you to listen Blame by Bastille while you're reading this.
> 
> Thanks for the waiting, as always.  
> All the love,  
> G.

When Louis woke up it was barely dawn. He moved Dani's arm delicately and stoop up watching outside the window. He shouldn't had fight with Harry yesterday, that had been an huge mistake. He reached his jacket and went outside, irish summer could be pretty cold. The wood was peaceful and silent, just a typical insects' concert. Louis sat down on the porch, avoiding the loud voice in his head screaming him to reach for Harry immediately.

Finally, he came to terms about the thing bothering him. Harry was absolutely stunning. Even more beautiful than how Louis remembered, maybe because now he couldn't have him. His skin was burning about him, to feel Harry's hands and lips just one more time. Louis was very sad about that, and disappointed. Certainly all that frustration was just a consequence of his sex life, which hadn't been nearly satisfying in those years. Yeah, Danielle was great. But that sensation of burning and dying inside, he never felt it anymore. And of course, Gary was bothering him. He was the man Louis could have been if only his choices were different. And Gary looked happy, filled with love and sex and all those things in which Harry was an expert. Gary was there showing him that being Harry's boyfriend wasn't an impossible thing at all. Even if Louis had always been certain about that. And moreover Louis was sure, in some deep part of his heart, that Harry would have waited. All life long maybe. That he would choose a girl instead of any boy who wasn't Louis. Because yeah, Louis kinda did it. It was Harry or nothing. And now, he should face the truth that for Harry was different. He wanted a boyfriend, not necessarily Louis. Louis never wanted a boyfriend, he just wanted to be with Harry. No need of definitions, statements, coming outs. And in that, there was all the difference in the world.

***

< Louis! Time to get up. The guys are waiting! >

< What..? > Louis woke up in that very moment, still tired from the cold on the porch.

< The mountain trip! They're waiting for us, get dressed c'mon! > Danielle was excited, Louis could tell. She was always up for walks in the nature. On the other hand, Louis...

< I don't want to come. I'm old. Like, I'm a father by now. I can't come with you young demons. >

< Yes, you're a dad, not a granpa. Just wear a jumpsuit. >

< I protest. >

< Okay, protest while dressing. >

< I hate you, Niall! Can you hear me? I HATE YOUUUU! > Louis matched his words whit a solemn tone.

< Actually yes, I can. > The voice came from the window, Niall waved at him.

< You irish elf! Free me from this torture! >

< Nope. Dress yourself! It's a cold summer. Oh, did I mentioned to you that I- kind of extended your visit for an entire week? Liam called this morning, Cheryl's mum is still ill. They'll be here for monday, so. Yeah, the weekend turned into a week. > he smiled at him, guilty.

Louis' eyes became tiny.

< I'm sorry..? > replied Niall, face red.

< A fucking week. > mouthed Louis to the window, trying not to be caught by Dani beside him.

< I love you? > Niall was looking like Bambi in his saddest day.

Louis walked into the bathroom avoiding the urgency to kill him.

***

Louis closed the door behind himself, all the group was reunite in front of their bungalow. He couldn't help but look straight at Harry. He was wearing gray trousers and a black hoodie with “H” wrote in the back. Of course his hair were collected in a bun, Louis tried not to concentrate to the lines created by the pulled tufts on his face. Very hard. Obviously Harry wasn't looking at him, he was really interested in something on the ground. Gary was wearing the same hoodie with a “G”. _Matching stuff, same old Harry shit._

And as like he heard him, Gary waved at them smiling mostly to Danielle. She did the same, saying hi to everyone. Louis didn't speak, all the boys were very well aware about his habits in the morning. On the other side, Gigi was the only one looking annoyed just like Louis. For a moment, he thought about talking to her. Sharing their sadness. Even as sulky as she was, Gigi looked wonderful. Louis stared at her, trying to understand if she was happy about that beauty all the time.

< Okay travelers! Today's trip will be sacred to Liam, our beloved friend who's late. The walk lasts four hours, we're gonna reach a pretty considerable height. The arrival is a special place for Caroline, called Devil's Mistake. You'll see! Are we ready? > Niall was happy like a puppy, Louis couldn't help but laugh to his face.

They started the climb, and even if now it was just a gentle slope Louis was already pissed and tired. Danielle was talking animatedly with Gary and Harry, the spouses-to-be were busy with Zayn so Louis was cut off.

< Are you angry, princess? > the voice came from behind him, he almost forgot about Gigi.

< Are you talking to yourself? > he answered.

< Cute. You seem not very happy about the special trip. >

< I'm not. I absolutely hate everything connected with exercise. >

< Hey, me too. I thank all the gods in the world every morning for my metabolism. >

< You should. I really don't want to reach Devil's Regret FUCK ITTTT!! > screamed Louis, waving his powerless arms in the air.

< It's mistake, not regret. >

< What? > surely he seemed crazy to her, with his eyes wide open and the short breath.

< The name of the place, it's Devil's Mistake. You said regret. >

< Oh, well. Whatever. >

< Maybe it's a freudian lapsus. >

< A what? >

< When you say something wrong because you're exactly thinking it, it's called freudian lapsus. >

< So you're smart. >

< I studied at home, just me and my siblings. Very difficult not to pay attention. Don't change the subject though. >

< Well, I'm full of every kind of regrets. So I guess you're right. >

< Like what? >

< I should be a better dad, son, brother and friend. I should go to LA more often, and then to London more often. And then again. And I'm a bitch. > Louis didn't know why he was saying all that stuff to her.

< Well, same dude. I suck at everything. > Louis smiled to her. She replied genuinely to him.

< Zayn kind of explained me your situation. >

< Mh. >

< I mean, the one-

< Yes, I know which one. >

< Well, I'm sure Harry has all the reasons and he's kind, sweet and everything beautiful but fuck, I'm totally on your side. > Louis looked at her, trying to get if she was tricking him.

< I'm serious, Louis. Everybody thinks who can decide what's the right and the wrong but they don't even know how it feels to choose something that kills you everyday. People are so sure about their lives. Well, I'm not and neither are you. We decide everyday. They don't even imagine what it's like and the worst is, they don't even care to know. >

When Gigi stopped talking, Louis realized she was really trying to connect with him.

< I'm- thanks, I guess. Actually none is on my side, especially me. I was mean to him, I break everything I touch, not a news to me. > he sighed and wrapped himself with his arms.

< No, Louis, fuck this bullshit! I'm here and I'm saying that you don't deserve to be blamed for anything. For Harry is easy, I mean he has no doubts about his sexuality. He never had any kind of trouble. We are different! The world is full of opportunities and we don't have any compass. Your reasons matter just as his. Understand? > she seamed really into it, almost angry with Louis for being so passive.

< I don't get it, you? Why is all this so important to you? >

< Because, just like you, I choose everyday, and I regret and I need to be understood and none is there to do it. Zayn thinks that it's exotic and sexy, well it's not. It's just hell! > yelled her to him.

< Girls? You're into girls too? > Louis was genuinely surprised.

Gigi looked at him, serious and quiet. Her face flushed for a bit, then returned at his first mood. The intense glare didn't change though.

< Are you into boys too? > asked her, instead of replying.

Louis understood immediately. He stayed silent, trying to process the news. Gigi was a bit like him at the end of the day, and she was confessing his deepest secret to him. He felt that he was sweating all of a sudden, the climb was getting harder. But that wasn't the only reason. Louis never actually believed that in the world there were people like him, whatever the definition for himself was. Never thought that someone could really understand what even Harry failed to do. The confusion, the fear.

< And – he began – how do you, I mean, how do you manage.. Zayn? > his voice was innocent and needy, so he tried to darken it.

< I can't. Sometimes I look to a girl and really fucking want to talk to her, or like stay with her. I'm always surrounded by beautiful models. Sometimes I wake up and I think I'm doing everything wrong, that I'm deceiving Zayn. In some days I think that I'm with him because he's the easiest way. >

_Can't relate._

< …and then I have to remember to myself that I'm not wrong, that I'm allowed to like whoever I want, the only thing that matters is love. I love Zayn, and until that will be true, I'm okay. > she gasped out the last word and finally stopped walking. That definitely wasn't a conversation made for the Devil's walk.

< Woo. I sure didn't expect this from the Devil's Mistake, I can assure you. I'm- kind of speechless, Gigi. But thank you for saying this to me, it really means a lot. > Louis was really out of words, and this was something more unique than rare.

< You're welcome. I said it because I feel like you don't have anyone who's really persuaded that maybe leaving Harry wasn't just mere cowardice, that you have actual reasons. > she really seemed furious about Louis' weakness.

< I don't blame them. It's convenient to give all the faults to one of us. I have larger shoulders, so I take them happily. But everything happened almost four years ago, and I'm still the bad guy here. I'm cool with the guilt, I've decided to take it. I actually feel guilty, because Harry deserved a better behavior from me. I left, I stopped trying and I left him reconstructing himself all alone. But the thing is- I was alone too, I was broken too. And I left him all ours friends, all the people who knew and who could have helped me. I left all of them to Harry, because I wanted full recovery for him. But while he made a wonderful work, helped by zealous people, I made myself without any help, from the beginning. I made a stronger Louis, alone. >

Gigi looked like she really wanted to hug him.

< That's really fucked up, Louis. Why didn't you asked one of them to take care of you? Why on Earth you let them think you didn't need help? > Louis didn't replied.

Instead he looked ahead for the first time in an hour. The group was nowhere to find. They were all alone in the woods. Gigi was still staring at him.

< You weren't there. You didn't listen to the things I said. I assure you that you wouldn't have been so kind. > replied, at least.

< So what? What did you do that bad? Test me. >

< Listen, I was cruel. Sometimes I can be very mean. >

< WHAT THE HELL LOUIS! Everybody can be mean, it's our right to be! This doesn't meAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA > Louis turned back instantly.

Too late though. Gigi had fallen down and she was screaming swinging his ankle. When he looked clearly to it, he realized it was broken. Gigi's feet wasn't even in the right place.

He thought about the group, no trace of them. Gigi was screaming so hard Louis was getting scared she could faint. He reached for his phone, no signal. Neither Gigi's.

< Hey Gigi, I know, I know it hurts. I think you may have broken it. I need to call the others, stay here I'll try to get some cold water and see if we have luck with the phones a little further, okay? >

< O-kay. Hurry. > she was crying so bad.

He walked for ten minutes, trying to hear sounds of a river or some kind of water source. When he finally got out of the woods, the phone came back to life.

< Louis! Where were you man! > yelled Niall, his voice very worried.

< Sorry, the phones were dead. Listen, Gigi fell and she can't walk, we need help but I don't fucking know where we are. No clue. >

< Fuck! Okay, don't worry. I'll send help, just don't loose the phone, okay? Can you take her out of the woods? >

Louis went back to her, but she didn't want to move at all.

< You're too short and skinny Louis, we can't go anywhere! >

< Hey, I can carry at least twice my weight, please. Trust me. >

< Taking Harry from the couch to the bed for sex doesn't count. > Louis looked outraged.

< Okay that was so unnecessary, but I'll still save you. > he grabbed her firmly.

He managed to take her out of the woods, at least she wasn't crying anymore.

< Thank you. You were right. > she smiled.

< Only the best for you, milady. > smiled him back.

Thirty minutes after Niall hadn't showed up and Louis was feeling nervous. Gigi's feet was bigger than her backpack and he hadn't a clue about what to do. She opened her eyes abruptly, Louis thought she was asleep.

< What do you want now? > she asked.

< Kill Niall? What do you mean? >

< I mean with Harry. >

< Oh. I don't know. You've seen him, he doesn't even look at me. >

< Yeah, well. He does. Maybe just a few times, but he does. >

< I think he hates me. I just want to become friends again. I can't handle this silence between us, we used to have fun together. I just want him to be comfortable around me. Talk, laugh. > That was the very first time Louis said that out loud.

< You know what you need to do for that. >

< No I don't. >

< You must remove that part of you which is still in love with him. > concluded her.

Louis opened his eyes wide.

< That part doesn't exist. > he said trying to be firm.

Gigi looked at him skeptical and unimpressed. Still massaging his ankle. She raised an eyebrow.

And Louis was going to say something, yes he was. Something powerful and very strong that would have convinced her certainly, but a loud noise announced an helicopter in the sky.

Two seconds after Louis was in Niall's arms while he kept petting him as a small cat.

< You're alive Lou! I was so scared! > Louis let him do, Zayn was helping Gigi to get on the plane.

< Are you okay? > Z asked to Louis.

< Something hurts, but I'll be fine. > replied him.

***

_January 2012_

_< 'arry, we'll be late, Liam already called me two tim- _

_Louis was interrupted by a very frantic Harry Styles kissing him, still wet from the shower. The Donny boy really wanted to hurry him, but the kiss was too good to stop it in that very moment. So Louis opened his mouth easily to let him in. Harry hummed for pleasure and hugged his hips, already trying to create friction. Louis felt that familiar electric shock at the base of his spine, his hands moved quickly around Harry's neck._

_< Can we- mh, like- don't go?  > Harry wasn't properly talking, it was more something like a flirty murmur. _

_Louis laughed, his body wasn't doing what it should have._

_< Liam will kill you, plus we haven't even- mhh – Harry nipped his neck – put a foot out of this house for the entire weekend.  > _

_< You didn't seem sad about it.  > _

_< I wasn'ttt- fuck.  > Louis stopped to breathe when Harry grabbed his crotch firmly. _

_< Look who's here with us!  > giggled Harry, smirking at Louis and caressing his pants. _

_Louis couldn't get how, in less than a year, the shy guy from Holmes Chapel who was always afraid of doing things wrong managed to become this filthy hungry sex animal who was literally driving him crazy._

_< God, H. Please, I don't want to change my jeans, I'm already dress- FUCK  > Harry wasn't listening to him at all, clearly. _

_Someone was knocking on the door, though. In a not very friendly way._

_< LOUISSSSSSSSS !!  > and, of course, was Liam. _

_Louis looked down to his trousers, his erection was so in sight he should have been abashed. Harry was laughing, totally not caring about Liam finding them in that position or status._

_< Fuck it's Liam, what should we..?  > _

_< Don't panic Lou, go upstairs I'll open the door.  > replied Harry, simply. He looked a bit sad. _

_When Louis was safe, Harry went to open, welcoming Liam in a little too happy way._

_< Li, hey! Louis is coming. I just have to, like, put a t-shirt on and I'm ready. You didn't have to come up to here.  > _

_< Why are you so labored? You went out for a run?  > Liam's tone was investigative. _

_< Actually ehm- yes. I'm coming back from the ride- the tour, you know, the jog.  > _

_< The ride.  > said Liam, then hushed. _

_< I'll check Louis, okay?  > _

_< Yes, go check if he's well.. recovered.  > _

_< You think Liam suspects something?  > asked Louis, when Harry came upstairs. _

_< Even if it were, honestly I don't care.  > replied him, not looking at Louis. _

_< You don't care? How is it?  > _

_< Well I don't think he's gonna tell someone about it, nothing to worry about.  > _

_< How do you know?  > _

_< Because Liam is our friend and I trust my friends.  > Harry was clearly annoyed. _

_< You're right love, sorry.  > Harry kissed him another time, staring at him with softness. _

_< Kissing you it's my favorite thing to do. If Liam asks, I'll say the truth.  > Louis smiled and flushed. Kissed him back, gently stroking his cheek._

_***_

_At the studio, Harry was being very soft. Always looking at Louis fondly, and then trying to concentrate again about what the producers were saying. “Take me home” was almost ready and they should have been very focused about the songs. They should._

_Niall and Louis were playing video-games during their lunch break. Harry was very pissed because Louis wasn't spending that time with him, while acting very chill with the other boys._

_< Louis, would you please come with me to take lunch for the others?  > asked to the boy playing. Louis shrugged a bit, letting the controller to Zayn but followed him obediently. _

_When they were at least at the half of the aisle, he turned to Harry._

_< Are you gonna kiss me or what?  > Harry laughed and kept walking. _

_< Dunno. The guys are starving, I think we should do our duty Lou.  > _

_< Our dut- oh, bloody hell! Come here, Curly frog.  > he took Harry's hand in his and entered in a random room. _

_Inside there was just a couch, he locked the door. Harry was smirking like some sort of elfic creature._

_< Don't you dare do that face to me, Harold.  > Louis approached him, his hand already on the line of Harry's pants. _

_< I must confess – Harry said, beginning to kiss him behind his ears – that I waited for you to acknowledge me all this terrible day, player.  > _

_< What? I was waiting for your signal!  > Louis gasped and put his head backwards. _

_< What's my signal?  > _

_< When you do that face and say my name with that voice.  > Louis was already losing himself around Harry's little touches on his skin. _

_< I don't know what you are talking about, bad boy.  > he said all the period with his sexy voice. _

_< Stop that.  > Louis kissed him shout because there was a concrete risk of him coming just for that. Had happened a few times on the phone. _

_The make out session, complete with lovebites and short breath caused by the friction ended predictably in two painful erections._

_< Please let me suck you.  > _

_< Harold! You can't simply say a thing like that to someone else!  > Louis was in a bad bad control status. _

_< I'm saying it to you, don't you want a blowjob?  > Harry was so naive Louis could die in excitement. _

_< I- fucking hell!! Of fucking course I want everything you say with that dirty mouth! Curly monster!  > Harry laughed and get on his knees suddenly. _

_Louis tried to relax, convincing himself not to look down to Harry unbuttoning his jeans._

_< Ehm- Hello? There's someone inside? I have to clean!  > a voice from outside. _

_< FUCK NO!  > this was Louis. _

_< That's Angela!  > and this, of course, Harry. _

_< Why you do know the name of every fucking person in this building? No, don't answer.  > _

_< We must open the door.  > _

_< Yes. I know. I'm not happy.  > _

_< Or I can suck you with Angela knocking, I'm okay with that.  > _

_< STOP TALKING!  > Louis rubbed his eyes to wake himself from the fantasy._

_They opened the door and, thank God they weren't seeing themselves._

_Mrs Angela, 65 years old and six months away from retirement, will never forget. Louis was hiding behind Harry which had pupils so dilated that he seemed high. Both were ridiculously embarrassed but the most one was certainly Mrs Angela._

_< Sorry kids.  > she managed to say. _

_< We get lost, sorry mrs. Angela.  > tried ever harder Louis. _

_< How old are you guys? Do your mums know?  > she asked. _

_Harry looked at Louis, he glared him back. They slipped behind her without saying a word. Harry laughed for half the way back._

_< I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Not even that time I peed on my shoes at the kindergarten.  > Louis' voice was sepulchral. _

_Harry kept looking at him with this complete adoration in his eyes, Louis was sure to die suddenly. He didn't even had a name for that sensation. It was like butterflies in his stomach had fell in love with each other and were having the time of their life inside him._

_< Why are you looking at me?  > he asked to the smaller boy. _

_< Because you're the most beautiful thing to watch in this place.  > Harry said it like it was totally normal to declare something like that. And then again, that flicker. _

_< Meet me in the hallway.  > Louis said it and ran off the stairs. He heard Harry giggle in satisfaction and ran to reach the other stairs' ramp. After that the memory was blurry, Louis had a good blowjob and they missed the second part of the working schedule. Liam got angry but he didn't show at home, Niall sent a bunch of emojis with no sense at all and Zayn texted Louis a pic of mrs. Angela they never talked properly about after._

_***_

“Meet me in the hallway” had been one of Harry's most successful songs. Louis hadn't even imagined he could remember that stupid day. Apparently, he did.

When finally his feet touched the ground, Louis felt the need to say a prayer to someone in the sky. Gigi had been reached instantly by the doctor and Danielle went there to hug him, asking a lot if he had been scared and repeating how incredible he was for saving the day. After the congratulations, he went to the fountain to wash his hands from the dust.

Harry came from behind, so when he talked Louis had a little jump.

< Ehm- are, are you well? > he asked. Louis turned to face him, he looked tired from the walk and very concerned.

< Hey! YES-I mean, yes. I was okay all the time, just Gigi she was- like not good. > What kind of answer was even that?

< Good, good. That's good. I mean- not the fact that Gigi wasn't-

< Yes – Louis smiled – I get it. Thank you for asking. >

< Of course, I was- we, we were really worried when you two disappeared. > Harry was so kind. Even though Louis had treated him as shit the other night, he was still there asking him if he was okay. That was such a mature behavior, Louis should at least recognize he was really trying to be better than they were before with each other. Which of course meant he was so over their relationship. Which, well, was very good for Louis. Wasn't it?

< Hey Harry, I'm sorry. For yesterday. I shouldn't say all that stupid stuff. You're right I always act like a moron. I don't have any right to judge your life or the people you care about. I don't want to do that anymore. > Harry didn't talk, his eyebrows were furrowed but he didn't seem angry.

< I'd like to start again with you. Erase the other night, I want to be friends again, if it's okay with you. I'm tired of fight. Besides, you don't deserve any reproach from me. > Louis finished and breathed again, finally. Harry changed his position from a leg to the other, reminding Louis of something.

< Ehm- sure, it's the only thing I want. I don't want to fight neither. I just want to spend some time together without mh- complications. I just want us to be able to stay in the same room. >

< Of course, of course Harry! I'm- totally, totally of the same advice. It would be glad to get along like we used to, you me and the other guys. I assure you I'm only happy for your life. I'm- happy if you are. Are you happy? That's the only thing that matters. >

Louis was expecting, well, something. Instead of that he got nothing. Harry stared at him for thirty seconds, he smiled mostly to himself looking to the ground. Then he waved barely at Louis and went back inside. Louis wasn't sure, but he could have heard a sigh before he turned.

***

Main house, another night. Everybody was playing around the fire, Niall had a long tradition of board games and Caroline was surprisingly very into them. Guess why they were soul mates. Louis sipped for the cent time on his beer, glaring to Harry and Gary who were playing scrabble with Niall. Zayn and him were literally destroying the girls with cards, but Louis wasn't really enjoying the way Zayn was trying to address him. Although he was still ignoring him hard.

The night was going well so long so far, Louis had eaten half of his liver already when Niall proposed to change the games and sat around the fire, sharing funny stories. Everybody was sitting while Louis was still complaining as always. But if the girls (including Danielle) were almost losing it, the boys were moving themselves totally managing Louis in the most natural way.

< Fuck me, you all really look like the Bradshaw family! > blurted Gigi.

< It's so true, you're adorable guys. Maybe you don't even notice, but you move around each other so naturally it's almost touching to look at you. > added Caroline, in a much sweeter tone.

All the four looked at her, each one had a pillow in his hands and suddenly they were just like the kids in the X factor hall all over again. They smiled at the same time and shook the shoulders.

< Well dear, we lived together for a lifetime. When I wake up very late I still think you are Louis. > answered Niall, he tried to sound funny but a slide of sadness was there to be heard.

< You must tell us something very embarrassing about the famous One Direction lads! > laughed Dani, not even aware of the shit.

< Let's use a bottle! Everybody turns it and you have to tell something about the person the bottle choose! Okay? > the fabulous idea was Gary's, of course.

< Let's begin with the smaller, c'mon Hazza! > said Niall. Harry turned the bottle slowly, not looking at Louis a single time.

< Well, I have a lot to say about Zayn – started after the bottle stopped – and he's very awkward in every memory I have. > Harry laughed, and Louis' belly made a gooseneck.

< One time I fell asleep in his lap, you must know that I'm like a kid when I'm tired. One minute I talk like a proper human being and the minute after I'm peacefully sleeping. Somebody also said that I talk when I sleep but this is another story. > he continued, Louis smiled to his feet.

< Back to Zayn, one night we were doing a sleepover in his apartment-

< That wasn't a sleepover! > Zayn looked outraged.

< You can call it “mates night” Zayn, still that was a sleepover. > replied Harry, Gigi almost choked laughing.

< Well, in our very masculine sleepover I crashed on Zayn after 2 pm. Because we had a concert that night and we all were tired to death. The thing was that I'm very- ehm, cuddly when I sleep I guess? So I hugged him very tight and made myself very comfortable as always. But he didn't mention that a girl had to com- oh, well maybe this is not the story I mu-

< Are you kidding me? I want to hear the rest! > laughed Gigi, Zayn was terrified.

< Well, he hadn't met you Gigi. He was a lost guy, and that girl wasn't definitely into relationships. But she came while I was asleep on him in that koala pose. Maybe Zayn thought I couldn't hear him, but when the girl showed and asked him to wake me so they could- well, you know.. that. He told her “are you crazy? I don't want to wake him up, he's breathing fine he's surely dreaming something good”, and she went out very angry. He adjusted my position and said “sweet dreams H” and then fell asleep. > Harry looked very proud at the end of his story.

The “awwww” was general, but mostly from Niall.

< I know it's not very awkward but it's my favorite thing about Zayn. > added, flushing.

< Well, we were brothers, brothers always came first. > said Zayn, putting a hand in his hair.

Louis couldn't help himself but smile. He remembered that night, he had destroyed Liam playing Tekken and then fell asleep with him on the carpet, while Niall was singing to the moon trying not to wake Harry and Zayn in the other room. They were so close. The second turn was on Zayn.

< Well, since I had Caroline, this is the story of why I am here with you all – he smiled weakly to Louis who didn't respond – Me and Gigi were having dinner at The Nice Guy, you know, very easy night. Talking about what to do for the holidays and planning a strong schedule to give to our agents. Suddenly she asked me if I was ready for some fun and, I swear, I was thinking about sex in the bathroom when a girl came to our table. I swear I was sweating like a pig, thinking she was one of the girls I used to see in that not-very-fancy period of my life when I felt like shit. I was sure she was something like pregnant and pretending to be my wife. Instead of that tremendous scenario, she introduced herself as Caroline O' Donoghue, the irish girl who stole Niall's heart. And there he was, near the exit door, faking a call. She said “Hey Zayn, Niall is too loyal to the others to do it, but he would be very happy if you would invite us to your table. He is dying to talk to you, he misses you. Also if you say no I'll share with this beautiful girl some of the secrets of your previous life, if you know what I mean.” Then she smiled, she fucking smiled after what was nothing different from a treat! So we shared the dinner and at the end of the day, I have to be very grateful to this irish crazy girl because fuck me if I missed my brother Niall! I would die instead of miss his wedding for our stubbornness. > Niall stretched to reach Zayn and hug him.

Louis was really admiring him for giving all his forgiveness to a person he wasn't really sure deserved it. But Niall was just like that, he gave all his life to the band and it wasn't for the money at all. That was his dream and he used to say: “I had the privilege to share it with four brothers, this is priceless. This is for life.” Louis wasn't sure about what he was feeling, certainly he had missed the boys much more than he could have admitted. About Zayn, well, he felt like he was missing him for so many years he had almost forgot what was like to be his best friend. Even more than this, he was missing Harry. But this wasn't something he was ready to talk about with himself.

< I just want to say that, back in not suspects times, Zayn was my favorite One Direction member. I dreamed of marring you! > laughed Caroline. Then she had to stood up and reach for Niall who had left the room in a very dramatic way.

Caroline then picked Danielle, and all the people in the room discovered that she was a huge fan of The Originals, who would have told! She was in love with Danielle's character and admitted to be very excited about meeting her. Louis could see she was very happy to receive some attention and admitted to himself that he hadn't been the best boyfriend in those days. Always trying to sneak out from his former self who was wherever Harry was, sadly. Louis was almost experiencing some real fun, because of Niall's jokes and Zayn's too, until Danielle's turn ended with Gary. Because of course, here he was. Harry's boy.

< Let me think – said Danielle – mh, I can tell you about the most sappy thing I have ever seen about Gary, which happened this morning. >

< It's about those shameful hoodies? Because, I mean-

Interrupted Zayn, risking Louis to die repressing his laugh.

< No! Shut up! I'll tell you. So, when we were on the road-

< AGAIN > all the four yelled it without hesitation.

< Stoppp! We were on our wayy to the Devil's Mistake and I was behind talking gladly with Gary. I was just informing him about the multiple advantages of a good gardening activity when I realized he wasn't listening to me anymore-

< Who knows why. > said Niall.

< I'll kill you before your wedding Niall! It wasn't because of the conversation, he was just distracted. So I followed his glance and saw he was looking at Harry, walking a few miles ahead. I stayed silent for a while and when he got it he simply turned to me, very embarrassed though, and said “Sorry Dani, I can't help it sometimes. He is just too beautiful and I feel lucky just watching him walking in the world. I can't believe all of that is mine”. AND SORRY IF I CRIED!! > yelled Danielle in the end, hiding the face with his hands.

All the people in the room made lovely noises of approval, even though a good observer would have seen some hesitation from Niall and Zayn. Harry flushed instantly and put an hand on Gary's one.

< I am the lucky one. > said after, and lied down to kiss Gary in a very delicate way. It wasn't too much, all the gesture was very soft and not at all cringe.

Maybe it was because of Harry's fingers which grabbed Gary's face in such a domestic behavior, or it was because of the fondness in Harry's voice when he said those five simple words. Louis didn't know what was the exact element which made him stoop up and go away, but he did it.

When he rose, all the others were predictably looking at him, but he couldn't care less. He had to move away from that scene and that situation before doing something even worse.

< Time for smoke. > he cut down and reached for the exit like it was his only salvation. His heart was bumping so hard he felt capable to dig til the end of the earth without being satisfied. _No kisses, no fucking kisses. That was the rule. That was their rule. No kisses with none of the other people the life had imposed to them. No damn kisses, the kisses were for the real people. Was Gary this real? Was this story so fucking real for Harry? Gary deserved a fucking kiss in front of Louis?_

The cigarette was already to the half when Zayn came out of the house and stopped next to him, hands in his pants' pockets.

< Louis. You can't do this every time. You can't do it anymore. > he sighed, keeping to look at the ground of the patio.

< What? Smoke? > the nerve Zayn had to have to come here and even talk to him.

< I was sure you had learned to manage it way better than this. > continued Zayn, his voice was calm and neutral.

< What can I say? Smoking it's an habit by now. > Louis didn't want to please him at all.

< I'm serious Lou-

< Don't- you- dare- call- me like that with that sad tone of yours. I'm not your son, not your brother, certainly not your friend. I suggest you to go back inside, I'm not looking for advice in your direction. > while talking Louis turned to him, burning him with his eyes.

< Okay. You can always reject me, but the truth is that I am right. This is not even nearly the way you can act when you are in Harry's presence-

< Excuse me, what the fuck are you talking about? Why the fuck are you talking to me? You may have mislead Niall, god knows if he's too good for this world, but NOT me Zayn. Understand? We are not in fucking good terms, this isn't a conversation because we don't talk anymore! Go- the fuck- back- inside. > Louis wasn't screaming, but his fists were shaking and the tone of his voice could have scared more than one.

Zayn, on the contrary, wasn't impressed. He stayed still, motionless, staring at him.

< Okay Louis, you're right. I'm mean, I'm the evil in person I couldn't care less. I'm just trying to help you. That wasn't fine, that thing you did inside. Harry isn't stupid, he will figure it out sooner or later. Why did you came if you weren't ready to meet him again? > Louis was furious.

< THE NERVE you fucking have!! YOU of all people! There looking at me like you were some fucking pope, giving orders in that reproaching tone! How chatty you are now! Four years passed by and you didn't talk one single fucking time, and now look at you! Who do you think you are Zayn, mh? You don't even know Harry anymore, or me. You're pretending you left two weeks ago, but the truth is we grow up apart Zayn! You don't have any right to be here giving me lessons! YOU OF ALL YOU WEREN'T EVEN ABLE TO BE A FUCKING GOOD FRIEND! And God knows if I needed you, piece of shit! > Louis hadn't planned to scream but, well, it was definitely happening.

Zayn lowered his head for the first time. He tightened his arms, keeping the glare to his feet. Louis stroke that time, he could see it. Zayn was hurt, finally. They remained silent for a while.

< I don't know what to say. You're right, Louis. I don't have any argument to reply. You're right. I don't deserve to be forgiven. The situation was killing me but not in a single moment that had something to do with the four of you. When I left I was sure you hated me. I was scared and lonely, I tried to give me some space from the world. I regretted it quickly, but when I tried to regain something with you, you didn't let me. This is not an excuse, I was stupid and that was the dumbest decision I've ever took. Not to leave the band, but to include you in the things I had to leave behind me. If this makes you feel better, I've missed you every single day and still am. It's okay if you hate me, I hate myself too. But I'll never stop being myself with you. Because I CARE. And that thing wasn't fine. Harry now has a new life, and you must accept it or.. talk. You must, have you heard me Louis? Think about it. > Zayn pronounced all the speech without breathe. His eyes were burning with the urge to cry, but he didn't. When he finished, he went back inside, letting Louis there to deal with his words.

_Fucking Malik. He was right and fuck him two times for that._

Louis went back eventually, even though the first thing he really wanted to do was reach the airport and then his home and then his bed and never leave it again. But he had to show to Zayn that he was perfectly capable to manage “the situation”.

When he entered none turned, which relaxed him a bit. He decided to go straight to Danielle and kissed her on the cheek from behind randomly. She seemed happy about that and didn't mentioned his smoking pause lasted twenty minutes. She was talking to Caroline about some wedding stuff and Niall was with them. Louis could feel the irish boy's eyes drilling his face, but he didn't respond. The last thing he wanted was to make Niall worried about something. Specially about Harry, which was a past story none should care about anymore. They were over and Niall had been a good friend for the both of them, unlike Zayn. He didn't deserve it from Louis, not a single worry.

Danielle was saying something very stupid and Louis profited to take her hand in his. Niall still glued to his movements. Danielle turned to smile peacefully at him and Louis decided to kiss her. In that exact moment everything felt wrong, because he was kissing someone in front of Harry and they had a deal about it. And because he wanted to feel good kissing his girlfriend but he was just feeling ridiculous and wrong. After five seconds they were apart, none had noticed his discomfort. When he smiled to her and turned to the rest of the room, of course Harry was watching him. He wasn't angry or bothered, his glare was unreadable. He was leaning on the wall, hands behind his back, with that stupid black cardigan with flowers on. Louis diverted his glare to avoid the familiar sensation of throwing up.

***

The night managed to end, finally. All of them were already on the way to the bungalows when Louis looked for his lighter for the final smoke of the night and couldn't find it. They had passed the last couple of hours drinking in Liam's honor, so everyone was pretty drunk. Eventually Louis still went back inside, because he was crazily jealous of his lighters.

There were rumors from the inside room upstairs and they seemed love chat from Niall and Caroline, so Louis didn't announce himself. He went briefly to his table, searching for the fucking lighter when someone came up from the bathroom, bumping into every furniture in the house because of the darkness. Louis hoped with all his organs it wasn't Harry, but you know, hope never fails to disappoint.

< Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry I'm drunkkk! > oh, drunk Harry was a blast.

< I've heard of that, you're hurting every part of the furnishing, destroying Niall's house. > laughed Louis, but not coming any further to him.

< You know, for a moment I was sure you were Gary. > said Harry back to him, trying to guess the exact point to talk to.

< But instead, I'm Louis. >

< Yeah, clearly. Now that I see you better, it was impossible to confuse you two. > Louis couldn't really see him, but he was certain Harry was smirking.

< I don't care about how you mean it, I'll take it as a compliment. > smirked Louis back.

< Unfortunately, it was a compliment. > sighed Harry then.

At that point, they were both under the light of the patio. The rest of the group far from them on the street. They faced each other without talk for a while. Louis' mind was empty.

< You know – he began – my mother taught me to answer kindness with kindness, so.. just for the respect I have to this rule, I'll say that.. – he blurted – you look damn good tonight, Harry. > if you asked him in that very moment, Louis didn't have an answer for the question in your mind. It was just like this between them, always had been. That was the “harry and louis” flirty bickering, Louis was just following the script.

Harry didn't talk though. He stared at him intensely, opening his mouth just to breathe better. Louis wanted to touch it.

< Don't do this. > Harry said, finally. He stayed still a few more moments, just like he was grabbing every possible detail in Louis' face to remember it and then, eventually, sneaked out.


End file.
